Rasa Spa Meditation Group in Ithaca

Trust in Your Own Authority

2012-01-28T18:58:00.001-08:00

During Tuesday night’s meditation class we are currently reading and discussing the book, Calming Your Anxious Mind, by Jeffrey Brantley, MD.

He writes eloquently about the seven essential attitudes one can deepen as they cultivate their mindfulness practice. One of them is trust. Here is what he writes about trust: “A basic part of learning to meditate is learning to trust yourself and your feelings. You learn to trust that you can see clearly what is actually happening to you. As you practice mindfulness, you will deepen your awareness of life and your own moment-to-moment experience. You will develop increasing sensitivity and accuracy in discerning what is here now, and what is happening in your own body and mind, as well as what is happening around you. You will learn that you and you alone are the best person to know what is going on inside your own skin and what is happening outside of it. You do not need an expert to tell you these things. You can learn to pay attention and to be present using powerful capabilities of attention and awareness that you already have. It is important to learn to trust in your own authority to know yourself, rather than to look outside yourself for authority. In this process, you discover what it really means to be your own person and to live life with authenticity.”
Hopefully, if you’ve been practicing meditation regularly you are beginning to experience what Brantley has written about. With this trust you gain clarity. What does it mean to gain clarity? In the context of mindfulness, clarity is the ability to know oneself. When we know ourselves, we begin to see the things that prevent us from being ourselves.
Clarity is very useful when communicating with others. Sometimes we come in contact with people who are not clear, yet parade around as if they are. They may do one thing and say another. They may not explain something clearly to you which results in you feeling worry or doubt. You may have friendships with people that are unclear – where one person hopes a romantic relationship will ensue and the other is pleased to simply have a companionship, without romance. Maybe you experience email communication with someone that isn’t clear which could create conflict if misinterpreted. We all experience moments in our lives where we, and others, are not clear.
The good news is that the clarity you gain from meditation can help you and possibly others. Brantley mentions the word accuracy above. He says, “You will develop increasing sensitivity and accuracy in discerning what is here now, and what is happening in your own body and mind, as well as what is happening around you.” This accuracy is what will help you and possibly others when communicating.
When you begin to understand your own state of mind, then you can begin to recognize the mind states of others. You do this by listening and being present to everything someone is saying to you and catching every word and phrase and not day dreaming while you are listening to them. When listening you may catch another’s doubt. You may catch another’s fear or anxiety or worry. You may also notice that someone is being unclear, yet masking that with clarity. If you see this then your clarity can help to smooth things over between you and another person. There is freedom in trusting your own authority and the clarity you gain from meditation. Of course, it does take time to develop these valuable skills.
Here is a relatively common scenario in life where you can begin to practice exercising your own authority. Let’s say that someone comes up to you and freely expresses their opinions about you. You do have the right to disagree with that person and explain why. This is trusting your own authority. Of course, if you agree with that person, then it is skillful to thank that person for giving you information that could help you to become more aware.
Too many people judge others or are harsh critics and they do this without thinking, they do this without having spent the time thinking things through before reacting without clarity. If this happens to you…trust your own authority, know yourself, and gently stand up for yourself. You will find much freedom when practicing this. Just because others sway every which way the wind blows does not mean that you too must follow. To trust in your own authority means you are a pole, a rock, a clear pond...even in the midst of a storm.

Internal Conditions

2012-01-22T09:10:00.000-08:00

Nurturing the internal conditions that will support your meditation practice is vital. According to Jeffrey Brantley, MD, in his book Calming Your Anxious Mind, the key factors within are attitude, curiosity, motivation, and belief in yourself.
The orientation you bring to your meditation practice is critical in order to reap the benefits from this practice. What attitude do you have about meditation practice? Meditation will fix everything and solve all my problems and if it doesn't in two weeks, forget about it? Meditation works for me while I'm sitting with a group, but it doesn't when I'm facing a conflict, so what's the point? It seems to be taking a long time, too long, and I don't have time for too long?
A skilled attitude would be to remember that meditation is a process, a journey. "Learning takes place only through your own practice and willingness to be present and to pay attention," writes Brantley. "It is not based on preconceived ideas or what you think you know. Your understanding grows over time as you gain direct experience practicing meditation regularly."
Think of your attitudes like the soil, the sunlight, the air, temperature, and moisture for a garden. Nurture your attitudes. This way you are able to establish a strong and supportive daily meditation practice.

Don't Know Mind

2012-01-15T10:28:00.001-08:00

We are a society that knows everything. We know the news every minute of the day. We know technology like we've never known technology before. We know how to change a tire, how to fix our washing machine when it breaks. We know everything there is to know about our computer, our iPhone, our iPads.We know who to call when we need help. We know where we want to go when it's time for a vacation. We know so much!

This all knowing attitude is certainly useful; however, this makes admiting to "not knowing" challenging. Developing a "don't know" mind is a benefit from meditation practice. We learn to be okay in the present. And, in the present moment we don't know the future - we only know the here and now. This is very different from all the knowing we experience during the day.

What is the experience of not knowing like? It goes something along the lines of this: I don't know how I feel. I don't know why he's angry at me. I don't know if I'll pass the exam, but I'll try. I don't know if this person that I'm dating is the person that I'll marry, but we are dating, that's what I know. I don't know where I'll be 10 years from now. I don't know what they were saying about me behind my back and I don't need to know. I don't know if this friend is right and my other friend is wrong. I don't know that there's only one way of seeing things. I don't know as much about that subject as I thought I did - this new information is useful.

A "don't know" mind is open to possibilities, is open to receiving information. Just think of the opposite: I already know what you think so I don't need to listen. I know everything there is to know about you already. I know what you'll say. I know what you're thinking. I know you're too uptight for me to love you. I know that I can't so I'm giving up.

Remember the movie, Good Will Hunting? Will had a know it all mind. He was a genius! But, when it came to the stuff of life - he couldn't apply knowing a math equation to knowing how to love a woman.

We don't know everything. When we admit to not knowing, we open ourselves up to learning and experiencing more than if we admit to knowing...

To Believe Or Not To Believe

2012-01-05T07:09:00.000-08:00

One of the most challenging aspects of applying what we learn from meditation into a situation where we are experiencing fear, panic, worry, or anxiety is learning first to separate the habitual thinking from our new found clarity which we find from meditation practice.

For example, let's say that someone says something to intentionally hurt your feelings. Initially, you may have many thoughts arise such as: What's wrong with me? What did I do wrong? She's right, I am a rude person. I hate myself. What did I do to deserve this? The list of habitual thinking continues for 10 minutes, an hour, maybe on-and-off for a few days. You stay in this place because it's what's familiar and you don't know how to gain another perspective. You may even create intricate stories in your mind about the person who hurt your feelings - fantasies really because how much of what you create in your mind, without accurate information, is real?
The second thing is to notice and pay more attention to your new found clarity. When does it come and how do you recognize it? The journey is different for everyone, but for some of you you'll notice your new found clarity right away. For some of you this insight may take hours or days to recognize.
There will be new thoughts that you will have such as: I didn't do anything wrong here. This person who hurt my feelings was out of line. They reacted strongly and were somehow triggered. Maybe I should just try my best to have compassion for that person because the way they behaved was reactive and I don't need to do the same. I can move on, not obsessively think about this anymore, and let go.
In addition, you may be able to simply observe the person saying hurtful things to you and instead of react to them simply respond with, "I'm so sorry you feel this way."
For a while, until you gain confidence and understanding in what your habitual thoughts are versus what your newly found clear thoughts are, there may be a struggle within you. The struggle is often how to separate the distracting habitual thoughts from those which are grounded and real.
Keep observing and remind yourself that you no longer need to believe the habitual thoughts (generally negative) that burden you and create an obstacle between you and serenity. Pay more attention to, and learn to trust, the insights you gain from new thoughts arising. Let those be the ones to ground you.

An Exciting Opportunity

2011-12-24T11:38:00.000-08:00

In Chapter Four of Calming Your Anxious Mind by Jeffrey Brantley, we all chuckled to ourselves when I read one of the three elements of what Brantley refers to as "stress hardiness:" Challenge.
According to Brantley, challenge means, "having the ability to greet the stressful situation as an opportunity for growth and excitement. This inevitably means also welcoming and accepting change, which is constant, rather than feeling overwhelmed by it."
How do we get to a place where we can greet a stressful situation as an interesting opportunity for growth and excitement? The answer to that question is first by evaluating just how you greet stressful situations today. What do you do? How do you greet stress in your life?
Do you complain for hours on end? Do you call a friend and cry? Do you get defensive? Do you yell at someone close to you and blame them for your inability to cope with the stress you are facing? Do you shut down and have a drink? Do you do drugs? And do any of the above behaviors assist you in overcoming the stressful situation you are in, or deter you and make things worse?
Once you recognize what your pattern is when stress arises - only then can you begin to change. As an exercise for yourself contemplate what it would mean for you to actually greet a stressful situation you are currently facing as an exciting opportunity for growth. Before you try doing this just sit quietly with the stressful situation you are facing and ask yourself, "What would happen to me if I saw this differently?"
Most likely this shift in attitude will help you to see yourself as capable and confident in handling what you are currently going through. Maybe the thoughts in your mind will shift to: "I can handle this. I can face this. I can even deal with this mindfully so that I can stay healthy in body and mind. I will be okay, and if I need to, I can turn to others for support so that I remain mindful throughout this stressful process."
Remember, you may not be able to do this right away, but greeting stressful situations with the knowledge that you can grow from the situation may alleviate some of the stress you are facing.

Addiction to Conflict

2011-12-16T08:39:00.000-08:00

We all deal with conflict in our lives - whether it's conflict that arises at work, conflict that arises in our personal relationships, even conflict with another driver on the road. It is important to recognize that, in our society, there are people in this world, sad to say, who are addicted to conflict.
There are many reasons for this. Our society for one: the news, specific television shows, the combative nature of entertainment talk-shows, and many Hollywood films, often contribute to this mode of operandi ultimately leading to being hooked by the snowball effect of anger. And unfortunately this behavior is justified which only leads to more of this behavior.
This is when addiction to conflict becomes a habit. And it becomes an attractive habit because once a person is addicted to conflict they gain attention. It's negative attention, but it's attention nonetheless. Therefore, that person is addicted to gaining negative attention.
Sometimes it is very difficult to recognize the person, or perhaps persons, in your life who are addicted to conflict. For individuals with this addiction they often appear that they want to be helped, but as soon as you give it to them, they reject the help and turn that too into a conflict. In fact, for these individulas, everything becomes a potential source of conflict.
How do we recognize these people in our lives? Some people who are addicted to conflict - - their addiction comes out under certain circumstances - stress is often a trigger for that person. These individulas are often pessimistic, which means that they will view most situations negatively. Tying this into the book we are currently reading, Calming Your Anxious Mind, by Jeffrey Brantley, MD, this in turn affects their health.
There really isn't much one can do for the person who is addicted to conflict. Hopefully, that individual will see their own behavior, recognize the damage that it is doing to them and others, tire of it, and eventually seek relief and make changes in their life.
On Tuesday evening the reading from Calming Your Anxious Mind, by Jeffrey Brantley, MD, included the three elements of stress hardiness: commitment, control, and challenge. We discussed these. In relation to the person who is addicted to conflict, keep in mind what Brantley wrote about control.
"Control means being confident that you have the ability to cushion the hurt or destructiveness of a particular stressful situation. It does not mean that you have to control other people or all aspects of a situation. Control is the refusal to become a victim (the role that the individual who is addicted to conflict takes). Control is the ability to focus on what you can control and not be distracted by what you cannot."
If you know someone who is addicted to conflict - disengage, don't get caught up in their drama that is behind their addiction. This takes much strength. Another bit of advice that may help is to remember your commitment to peace and compassion.

The Point of Intervention

2011-12-10T18:13:00.001-08:00

According to Brantley, in Calming Your Anxious Mind, the new book we started reading and discussing during the Tuesday night meditation class, in order to conquer panic you must learn to intervene at the point of interpretation.
"People, places, and events are panic-provoking only after we apply meaning to them," writes Brantley. "A store is just a store, a speech is just a speech, a drive is just a drive, until the brain interprets them as 'dangerous' or 'threatening.'"
So how does one learn to intervene at the point of interpretation? Certainly meditation helps because this slows us down enough to recognize how we are interpreting any given situation that causes us stress. Meditation will also help you to see your thoughts and views and modify the ones that stimulate the fear system, the fight-or-flight reaction.
This doesn't mean that this will happen quickly. This means it will take practice and patience. To make this easier start with the situations in your life which currently trigger the fight-or-flight response in you. Your job? A person? A location? Does your heart race ever time your employer calls you? Do you begin to panic the moment you see a letter in the mail from the IRS? Just notice what your mind does and see if you can interrupt your panic thinking and introduce instead the don't know mind.

2011-12-05T08:08:00.001-08:00

The Tuesday night meditation group has started to read and discuss a new book, "Calming Your Anxious Mind," by Jeffrey Brantley, MD.
After reading the introduction, here's what to keep in mind as we dive into the new chapter, Anxiety and the Power of the Mind...the fear reaction is extremely powerful. It happens almost instantaneously. Yet, each of us has the capacity to change how we react. And learning to meditate can give you the power you need to become more responsive and less reactive when fear happens.
In otherwords, when the mind-body connection is at work in the relaxation response, it serves to reverse the activation characteristic of the fight-or-flight response. As Brantley writes, "Human beings have the ability, by directing attention and awareness, to enter extraordinary states of calm and relaxation."

Being Friends with Your Fears

2011-11-28T13:54:00.001-08:00

It’s all too easy to justaccept the words written by Buddhist authors when they write, “Turn your fearsinto your allies.” We may understand this concept intellectually, but puttingthis into practice is entirely different.
One of the keys to understanding thisconcept is slowing down enough, through meditation, to know what your fearsare. More so, knowing what habits you follow which create those fears.
So what does it meanto really turn your fears into your allies? How do you do that? Yourunderstanding of how to do this will really come from how you apply yourself inany given moment when you feel fear arising in you.
Let’s break down theexperience as if you were someone who does not know how to make friends with yourfears: First, there is something that triggers you to feel fear. Second, youreact to your fear, often a habit response. Third, you continue to focus on yourfear. Fourth, now you dwell in a state of fear. Fifth, you start to feel yourpresent-moment fears affecting your body. Sixth, a snowball affect happens andfear turns into a big monster that overwhelms you. Last, you feel out ofcontrol mentally and not well physically.
Now let’s break downwhat might happen to you the next time you feel fear arising in you and you’vebeen meditating regularly for quite some time: First, there is something thattriggers you. Second, you notice that you are being triggered. Third, yourecognize an old fear or habit creeping up. Fourth, you observe how these fearsare trying to take hold of your mind saying, “This is a very big deal and youshould be afraid and angry about this injustice.” Fifth, you step back andobserve your reactions to your fears.
If you begin to feelout of control, then you will talk to that out of control part of you like afriend – “I know you’re afraid, but we’ve been down this road before. Everythingwill be all right, even if you need to cry or be afraid – go ahead.” Sixth,before you distort your fear and make it worse, you carry on with your fear,like a best friend by your side that you need to nurture before you put it tobed. Seven, you are not hard on yourself. No matter how many times you’ve triedto be more self-aware, if you’re not where you really want to be, you stillremain gentle.
Every fear-basedexperience is unique. The idea here is to really examine for yourself how youcan befriend your fears, your anxieties, and worries. Remember the secondscenario. Having read it, that alone may be the reminder that you need so thatthe next time you are worried, you will remember to slow down so you can followthe steps of nurturing a more mindful mind/body response. Hopefully, morepeaceful results will be motivation enough to do things differently.

The Value of Regularly Practicing Meditation

2011-11-20T14:22:00.001-08:00

One way to think of meditating is cleaning the mind, not just clearing the mind. Many meditation instructors and authors use the language of clearing the mind, but what's occurring is more than that. Remember that meditation provides you with a new and healthy perspective to the situations you face.
For those of you who like to exercise, and exercise a little bit every day, or on a regular basis, you do this to keep your body in shape. For those who like to meditate, or are new to meditation, think of meditation in a similar way, meditation is keeping you mind in shape.
Another way to think of meditation is that every day there is a lot of activity in the mind. When you meditate it's like your putting your mind through washing and drying machines. When you meditate every day your mind is cleaned so to speak. Each day our minds get "dirty" with negative thoughts and input. Meditation cleans the mind from all the negative thoughts, some of which we soak in from others and some of which we create ourselves. Since our minds can feel speed, almost contaminated with too much going on, on a daily basis, you may see the value in regular practice.
What happens to the mind if you don't meditate regularly? It's like not cleaning your house for a month.And, it's a lot of work to clean your house if you wait one month to clean it. Furthermore, all sorts of nasty things might grow in your house if you wait so long to clean it. You might find dead mice, there might be dead birds in the chimney, even fleas might appear! Your house gets grimey and unmanageable. So much so that you get discouraged and wish for a new house or wish that someone would come along and clean it for you.
The same can be said about your mind. If you clean your house regularly you may be inclined to clean your mind regularly too.

Cause and Effect

2011-11-13T12:22:00.001-08:00

After last week's brief discussion about karma it is clear that not everyone agrees with the Buddhists' understanding of karma. This is okay. There is no need to react strongly, rather listen and notice what arises within you.
Sharon Salzberg talks about karma in her book, Loving Kindness, not to convert people to believing in karma the way she and others understand it, rather to get a more important point across.
The important point is that our happiness and unhappiness depend on our actions. This isn't to say that bad things don't happen to good people, because they do, and have, to all of us. It's to say that "When we see suffering, conflict, danger, pain, or a problem arise in our life, we do not merely try to eliminate it. Rather, we courageously try to change the conditions that provide the ground for its arising and that support or maintain its existence."
Therefore, if we change the conditions we change the problem; if we alter the cause, we alter the effect. This means, for many of us, we no longer move in the world as victims of circumstance.
The brahma-viharas (lovingkindness, compassion, sympathetic joy, and equanimity), which we have looked at closely through the writing of Salzberg, advocate non-harming conduct, conduct that helps us face the problems that arise in our lives, and often change the outcomes, which, according to the Buddhist philosophy, changes our karma.

Understanding Karma

2011-11-05T12:17:00.000-07:00

Sharon Salzberg discusses karma in her book, Loving-Kindness, and there have been a few questions about it since we read sections from her book about this on Tuesday nights. "So if I kill a mosquito, will a swarm of mosquitos come after me?" "So if I do something bad to someone will they do something bad to me?"
I think that Salzberg describes karma beautifully. This is a statement to reflect on: "Intentions to help and not to harm bring us results of happiness. Intentions to harm bring us results of some kind of discomfort or suffering."
"The Buddha said that people who take the lives of others tend to live a short time, and those who refrain from killing tend to live long. People who cause pain to others tend to experience pain, disease, and weakness; those who practice nonviolence tend to experience good health and strength. Those who are greedy and do not give much tend to experience poverty, while those who are generous have abundance. People who are interested and investigate the truth tend to be intelligent; people who do not care about looking more deeply and seeing more clearly tend to be more stupid. Those who practice stealing or adultery do not have many good friends; people who are careful and virtuous in their actions are respected and loved, and they have many friends," wrties Salzberg.
A very good example of how karma works is using an extreme example: Bernie Madoff. Madoff mapped out a field of unskillful actions and it has clearly "come back" to him by being in prison, by being hated all over the world, having many enemies, losing his son, and the respect of his friends and family. He wanted to commit suicide, perhaps has attempted suicide on more than one occassion. This is cause and effect...

The Truth About Lies

2011-10-29T20:49:00.000-07:00

The story that Salzberg tells in Loving Kindness about the king who wanted to see if he could meetsomeone who could steal something without anyone knowing is so important. Howwise was the man who admitted to the king that he couldn't steal something without anyone knowing becauseonce can never steal something without someone knowing - one alwaysknows, in the back of their mind, that they’ve stolen, or lied, or harmedanother person.
This story is one to reflect on, not just because of its message, but because once we become aware of this ourselves, it should inspire us not to steal, not to lie, and not to harm another person. How often do you lie to yourself thinking, "No one will know, so what does it matter if I steal this painting?" Or, "No one will know, so what does it matter if I slash that person's tires?" Or, "No one will know, so why not lie on my resume?"
It's one thing to be in denial about what one has done, but it's another to be aware of it. Once you are aware of your actions it stays with you. So what will you do? Right action would mean make amends with yourself and then with the person you harmed. If you stole, return what you stole. If you lied, tell the truth to the person you lied to. When we get in the practice of making amends we stop the cycle of harm we do to ourselves and others.

How to Be Mindful When Others Are Not

2011-10-22T13:29:00.000-07:00

For beginner meditators, the question that is often asked is: "How can I be mindful when most everyone around me is not?"
This isn't easy to do in the beginning of your meditation practice, but once you are aware of right action, it becomes unacceptable to watch behaviors, or participate in behaviors, that are harmful to yourself and others. Once you are aware of the impact you have on yourself and others by responding, rather than reacting, you will be more inclined to incorporate gentleness into difficult situations.
Mindfulness changes your perception and can, at times, feel like you are walking alone on the spiritual path. It is all too easy to follow the direction that much of society buys into: watching television every evening, going to parties and over-indulging in mind-numbing substances, gossiping, venting for hours on end, acting out of revenge, shopping until you drop, and not taking responsibility for your actions.
For the individuals who are mindful, navigating in a world where many people are not does get easier. What you learn is that you can take right action with strength and gentleness at the same time.
Our culture often defines standing up for oneself as putting on the boxing gloves and acting mean, sometimes irrational in order to be heard. However, the more mindful you become, you learn not to waste your energy and time reacting, rather you spend more time defining what is the right action for you to take while taking the time to understand the position of the person, or persons, with whom you have conflicts with.
We all know too well that angry reactions come quickly when we have been wronged. But, mindfulness is your protection and is often the gauge of what to do and how to do what you need to do at any given moment.
It may feel strange to combine gentleness with right action when you are in a situation where you have to stand up for yourself. But the two together allow you to maintain the certainty that you need to move forward without doubt and regret.
A common scenario, which I hear often from friends and clients, is: "I keep asking my employer for X, Y, and Z, and they don't give it to me." How does one proceed with right action in this scenario? By not asking? By dropping it because you don't want to create any waves? By asking and then getting angry because you don't get what you ask for? Every scenario is unique, but in general, right action would be to gently ask. If unanswered, gently ask again. If still unanswered, gently ask again.
If still unanswered, one could ask their employer how they are doing or they could ask for a meeting to discuss the situation. If needs are still not being met, then one must decide whether they can accept the person and their actions or if they need to move on. And moving on can mean any number of things from not work for their employer anymore, wait several months before bringing up the issues again, and so on. There are more options to take when it comes to right action. When it comes to reacting impulsively, the options are limited and often harmful.
So be gentle in your assertiveness. Be grounded when you stand up for yourself. Stay calm when you ask for your needs to be met. As cliche as this may sound, don't give up, rather, explore different ways for you to maintain mindfulness, no matter how challenging a scenario may be.

Everything is Interwoven

2011-10-20T21:30:00.000-07:00

In the final chapter of LovingKindess, "Living Our Love," Sharon Salzberg writes beautifully about what ties everything together in her book: Ethical Conduct, sila in Pali. Salzberg writes, "If we want to enjoy happiness, taking the care to be ethical is a cardinal means for that aspiration."
In order to be free we must look at every part of our life because all parts of our lives are interconnected. Salzberg writes about how one cannot have one aspect of ones life filled with lying or deceit and then have another that is peaceful. This is not harmony. Every aspect of our lives are intermeshed.
As Salzberg writes, we can attain wholeness and integrity through the practice of sila. Here are the five basic precepts of conduct which can be your guide for peace and serenity:
1. to refrain from killing or physical violence;
2. to refrain from stealing, or taking that which is not given;
3. to refrain from sexual misconduct, or using our sexual energy in a way that causes harm;
4. to refrain from lying, from harsh speech, from idle speech, and from slander;
5. to refrain from taking intoxicants that cloud the mind and cause heedlessness.

The Answers Are in Present Moment Awareness

2011-10-09T10:47:00.000-07:00

Last Tuesday evening, following our meditation practice, we discussed more of Sharon Salzberg's book Lovingkindess. In the chapter about generosity, Salzberg writes: "If we are always looking for some object, person, or place to create a sense of completion for ourselves, we miss entirely the degree to which we are whole and complete in every moment."
This one sentence sums up present moment thinking. The past and future thoughts rob us of the present moment. This is to say that rehearsing thoughts about the past and the future, over and over in our minds, takes us away from what is really in front of us.
There is clarity in the present moment. The present moment is everything around you. The present moment is pure and not complicated. The labels and judgements that we place on the present moment are what complicates things.
Have you ever experienced the present moment? If you believe you have, ask yourself that question again. What does the present moment really feel like? And how can your experience of the present moment help you live each day, each moment more fully?
Being in the present moment is like our meditation practice, a constant letting go of the distractions in the mind. Explore present moment being and free your hearts and minds. The answers to many of the questions we ponder, by thinking about the past and the future, are in present moment awareness.

THE FIVE W'S OF MEDITATION

2011-09-30T16:33:00.001-07:00

Who meditates?
All kinds of people meditate. Bus drivers, lawyers, painters, stay-at-home-moms, rabbis, pizza guys, teachers, gardeners, writers – all have been known to meditate. Some people meditate as their only spiritual practice, while many Christians, Jews, Catholics, Muslims and people of every faith use meditation as a complement to their religious beliefs.
What is meditation?
There are many different kinds of meditation, the form we most commonly reference is the practice of noticing your thoughts and developing greater concentration.
Where should I meditate?
It’s best to have a daily home practice so that you can develop the meditation habit. It’s equally important, if possible, to find a qualified teacher and community of fellow meditators to support your practice.
When should I meditate?
Whenever you can find the time! Many find an early morning practice is useful, to set the tone for the day before the world wakes up. Others find an evening meditation is more suitable. Aiming for a five to twenty minute period of sitting meditation each day, whenever you have the time, is a great place to start.
Why meditate?
Some people say that a daily meditation practice helps them develop practical tools for making clearer decisions in their lives. Others say that meditation acts like a slow, methodical power washer for the window between their thoughts and reality, clearing away years of gunk to reveal the truth of what is. If you choose to take up this path, you may find that meditation is a goal-less practice that will take you exactly where you need to be.
Go to a Group Class
The most important thing is to seek out live-instruction and the support of a group of people practicing and studying together. This will help with all of the subtle questions that arise about practice and your mind. Having a supportive group of people who are also struggling with life and practice will also help guide you through all the obstacles that inevitably arise in the practice.
I would like to thank The Interdependence Project in NYC for the above information (theidproject.org - Change Your Mind to Change the World).

Understanding Appearances

2011-09-25T16:07:00.000-07:00

You know the saying, "There's more to it than meets the eye?" This saying means that you have to search beyond what you see in order to understand what's happening around you. This searching is what many Buddhist monks talk about when they speak of the word "insight."
The above saying also refers to understanding appearances. So often we judge people and situations without fully understanding the bigger picture or the truth. Sometimes it takes a lot of time to see the bigger picture, but sometimes we can be clear in our minds rather quickly.
Here's an example. I have a friend who works in a very stressful environment. She works so hard and has so many demands on her that she often forgets to do things or she will only half finish projects any given week. It's just too much for her sometimes. One day a client was upset with her because she had dropped the ball on a project she was working on with him. She was very sorry and apologized profusely and almost began to cry.
Initially the client was angry with my friend, however, after meditating (the client, fortunately, happens to be a meditator) he realized that the reason my friend dropped the ball on their project was because she is being pushed too hard and not shown appreciation from her employer. He also realized that her employer tries to motivate his employees with fear.
His insight, his ability to see beyond the surface of appearances, not only helped him to understand why she dropped the ball on his project, it also helped him to realize that if he shows understanding and appreciation for her his actions would calm her down and create better energy between them and better results regarding the work they were doing together. Suddenly his insight provides mutual respect, compassion, and change.

2011-09-18T09:20:00.000-07:00

From the book Calming Your Anxious Mind by Jeffrey Brantley, MD (the next book we will study during the Tuesday night meditation group):
"Herbert Benson, Harvard Medical School, is a pioneer in the field of mind-body medicine. In the late 1960s he began studying subjects who practiced meditation. Benson and colleagues measured physiological functions while the subjects were meditating and while they were engaged in everyday thoughts. Benson (1993) summarized the remarkable results of this study: Breath rate, oxygen consumption, and levels of blood lactate (a chemical which in high levels has been associated with anxiety and in low levels with calm) all decreased markedly when the subjects were meditating. Also, brain waves associated with rest and relaxation (alpha, theta, and delta waves) increased in frequency, while beta waves (associated with normal waking activity) became fewer.
Benson had measured and named something meditation practitioners had known for thousands of years. Human beings have the ability, by directing attention and awareness, to enter extraordinary states of calm and relaxation. Benson named this the relaxation response, and in the years since he coined that term, much has been learned about the body's ability to calm and relax, and the mind's power to activate this state.
The ability to calm and relax the mind and body is an important ally. By learning to calm and ease your mind and body, you can begin to balance the distortions of hyperarousal from stress. This will bring many benefits."

Our Bodies Don't Lie to Us

2011-09-11T17:07:00.000-07:00

Each of us has their own ways of coping with tragedy. As I write this entry on Sunday, September 11, 2011, my body keeps reminding me that this day, 10 years ago, was a very stressful day. What I am re-learning today, as I have many times in the past, is that it's best not to hold my emotions in. Denial leads to holding emotions in which then leads to illness if we do this long enough. Stuffing our feelings does not equal equanimity. Wearing a smile when you feel sorrow doesn't equal equinimity. Acting as if everything is okay, when it's not, doesn't equal equinimity.
Equanimity can only be attained when we let go, again and again, again and again. Our bodies don't lie which is why I encourge the relaxation exercise prior to our formal meditation practice. This is an easy way to check in with your bodies to know what's going on. It's one thing to think about what's going on, but it's another to see how your body is handling stress and numerous events each day.
Meditation is a tool for us during difficult times, not to stop our emotions, but to allow our emotions to simply be without our critical minds judging us, without us getting in the way. Think of your emotions as a child inside of you. Let that child be free with their expressions. As I remember September 11th 10 years ago I feel a deep, deep sorrow that has no words, but only tears. My body is telling me something. Meditation helps me to respond and listen, not react, but respond and listen to my body speak. What is your body telling you today?

Why Equanimity Gets Lost

2011-09-02T22:03:00.000-07:00

Do you ever ask yourself after a morning of meditating, "I started out meditating today, so why am I so stressed out by lunch time?"
The answer to this is because after we meditate, in no time at all, are minds are busy again. We stop paying attention to our minds and we allow them to do whatever they want. But, meditation doesn't stop after you meditate. The meditative mind state is supposed to continue on.
But we are so very much creatures of habit that we don't stop thinking. It's very good to meditate every morning, but remember that your equanimity is a choice.
I work with a number of people who tell me how much they love to meditate. Some of them like it so much they meditate for an hour a day. So why then do they still feel overwhelmed or stressed? This is because meditation is about you. It requires you to be responsible. Meditation isn't a miracle worker. It isn't like drinking a cup of coffee. You drink it, the caffeine sets in, and then you're on automatic.
Meditaton means that you practice meditation in the morning (as a reminder to the mind that equanimity is the path you want to follow), and remember it the rest of the day. In otherwords, you are remembering YOU after you meditate. You remember your breath, your body, your actions. You don't get lost in the habitual mind states that create stress in your life.
To maintain equanimity everyday is like driving on the highway on cruise control. When you drive on cruise control you get to relax a bit more and enjoy the ride, but you still need to pay close attention to everything around you.
And when it's necessary, when a lot of cars appear around your car, you stop the cruise control and place your foot above the pedal to switch gears to driving the car. Equanimity can be picked up as fast as putting your car in and out of cruise control. It's lost because we forget that we are the ones who are driving.
When you meditate do you enjoy the way it makes you feel? Do you realize that you are the one who is steering the direction of your mind? What then happens the moment you stop meditating? Where do you go? Why do you forget yourself?

Meet What Is Happening

2011-08-21T11:52:00.000-07:00

Salzberg touches upon something very exciting in the chapter we are currently looking closely at, "The Gift of Equanimity." She writes, "No one in this world only experiences pleasure and no pain, and no one only experiences gain and no loss. When we open to this truth, we discover that there is no need to hold on or to push away. Rather than trying to control what can never be controlled, we can find a sense of security in being able to meet what is actually happening."
What does it mean to meet what is actually happening? To accept what is happening? To face what is happening? It's interesting because rather than being thrown by difficulties that arise, Salzberg is saying that one can find security by facing what happens to us.
No doubt many of us have the inclination to run away from problems as they arise, but how many of you have actually felt grounded by being present and dealing with what's in front of you no matter how painful it is? Running away from problems is like running away from an oncoming tornado. It will eventually catch up to you and the longer you delay, the more difficult it is to deal with.
Of course we cannot always predict what will come to us, but once your eyes are opened and your heart is woken up by the present moment, don't be afraid of what is in front of you. Fear and denial of issues arising will not ground you. Embracing what is in front of you will ironically give you that sense of security that Salzberg so wisely writes about.

Looking Closely at Equanimity

2011-08-12T10:59:00.000-07:00

We are moving on to a new chapter in Loving Kindess by Sharon Salzberg, "The Gift of Equanimity."
First contemplate the meaning of equanimity. One definition is mental calmness, evenness of temper, especially in a difficult situation. Another definition is steadiness of mind under stress. And another definition is the quality of remaining calm and undisturbed. Therefore, obtaining this state equates to learning (and meditation helps to cultivate this mind state) not to react to your reactions, rather observing and responding with wisdom.
The questions that this chapter will raise are how can we dwell in equanimity in times of stress or crisis? How can we maintain equanimity no matter what is going on around us? We will look closely at the stories and wisdom Salzberg writes about in the next few weeks.
In the meantime, when reflecting on equanimity, Salzberg offers a beautiful prayer that each of us can direct towards those we have the most difficulty generating equanimity towards. Here's how it goes: "May we all accept things as they are. May we be undisturbed by the comings and goings of events. I will care for you but cannot keep you from suffering. I wish you happiness but cannot make your choices for you."

The Opposite of Avarice

2011-08-05T18:35:00.000-07:00

Avarice is technically defined as extreme greed for wealth. In Loving Kindness, Salzberg also talks about avarice as selfishness and hoarding your good will towards others. "In the presence of avarice, sharing is impossible," she writes.
Personal reflections on avarice would be to notice if and when you refuse to share invaluable information with someone because you are afraid that by helping them you will have less. Also notice if you feel avarice around certain people in your life. And do you say something along the lines of: "I don't want to be kind to him because if I'm kind to him then he will be happy and feel good about himself."
Do you ever notice that you actually want other people to feel bad and that by making them feel bad about themselves you feel better? This is also part of avarice. And what about the times when inside you think someone is really wonderful, yet in their presence you refuse to tell them so. What would happen if you told them how you really feel? It is true that you will feel vulnerable, but consider that nine times out of ten you get back what you give. And isnt' it wonderful to make others feel happy? Consider the last time someone said something kind to you. What a gift!
One woman during Tuesday night's meditation class suggested that, following the native American give-away tradition, that we each practice giving something of value away. Maybe this "thing" of value is wisdom, kindness, something material, love, your time. Find something to give away and see that you don't really lose anything. In fact you gain joy!

Happiness is Not a Limited Resource

2011-07-29T20:14:00.000-07:00

We are still discussing Chapter 8, “Liberating the Mind Through Sympathetic Joy” in Loving Kindness, by Sharon Salzberg. In this chapter Salzberg talks about the ways we are unable to obtain sympathetic joy towards others. One of the ways she describes is by demeaning others.
Salzberg writes, “The attitude of diminishing the happiness of others is based on considering happiness as a limited resource or commodity-the more someone else has, the less there is for me.” Unfortunately this is a common perspective.
And what happens is, we suffer inside when we feels this way. And what’s more it feeds upon itself. When we think we have a limited supply of happiness for others then we hold back on expressing joy, and then we may even go so far as to take actions to diminish others so that they feel more like we feel.
To counter this negative behavior give something to someone, comfort someone, give of your time, meditate and think positively about others, offer something out of care, listen out of care, do this to develop a loving heart. These are what Salzberg calls “meritorious actions.”
Give this energy away and you’ll get more, much more and remember that “happiness does not go away when we share it.” Instead, “it grows because the act of sharing puts us in touch with its source, which is limitless.”

Letting Go Of The "Trainers"

2011-07-22T15:25:00.000-07:00

Meditating by using numbers or a mantra in order to help you concentrate on your breath is like learning how to ride a bicycle using trainers. Think of the numbers and mantra as the trainers on your bicycle.
When you first begin to meditate, and for some people, quite a while after, you really do need to give the mind numbers, a mantra, or even a visual in order to "ride the bike." A visual during meditation would be something along the lines of the air passing in and out of your nostrils or your diaphram rising and falling, not a visual of being at the beach or a lake (that falls under the category of visualization, which we do prior to meditating during the Tuesday night meditation class).
Just as the tot learns to let go of the trainers on his or her bicycle, the meditator learns to let go of the numbers, mantra, or visual. You may wonder, "Then what is the experience of meditation?" All beginner meditators get a taste of what this is like from time to time. I like to call this state of mind "being." You are just being in the present moment aware of you. The experience is not that different than sitting by a lake and observing it, only when you meditate in this way, you don't have the lake, you tap into the peace and stillness inside of you.
Since meditation is such an experiential activity, it's best not to over intellectualize this. Just try meditating in this way after 10 minutes of concentration on the breath using numbers, a mantra, or a visual, and then see where this takes you...

Expressing Happiness For Others

2011-07-13T14:02:00.000-07:00

Chapter eight of Sharon Salzberg's book, Loving Kindness, may be one of the most important chapters in this book because our culture does not alway support rejoicing for other people's happiness, but here she teaches us how to change that. What happens is our culture often leans towards judging others, comparing ourselves to others, deameaning, and envying others.
Salzberg explains that the "root of the Pali word mudita means to be pleased, to have a sense of gladness." When we are pleased and genuinely happy for others (not to be mistaken for giddiness and mere excitement) we are liberated. "So much of or unhappy condition as living beings comes fom the constricting effect of our negativity toward each other," Salzberg says.
The questions to ask yourself when you find yourself unable to be happy for others is, "What is holding me back?" "Am I afraid that I will lose something by spreading my joy at another's success?" "Why do I lock myself into this state of mind that doesn't want to see others do well?"
Remember that the title of this chapter is "Liberating the Mind Through Sympathetic Joy." When we are unable or unwilling to be joyous for others, we are stuck and tormented. It creates an endless cycle of negativity. But when we let go of the need to hold on to claiming happiness and good fortune for ourselves and ourselves alone, we are able to spread warmth and joy freely and effortlessly.
I cannot tell you just how much I love what Salzberg writes -- that the gateway to mudita is remembering that "everyone's life is by nature continually vulnerable to pain." That is, everyone, even the person you are jealous of, is suffering in some way. Be aware of the next time that you are jealous, that you feel competitive with another person. Start there and ask yourself if that's really the way you want to feel towards others as you walk along on your spiritual path.

MEDITATION NEWS

2011-07-06T16:41:00.000-07:00

Hello Meditators!
Louise Wilkins, one of the students who attends the Tuesday night meditation class, shared with the group information about a Fundraising Day of Mindfulness. Here are the details for those of you interested in learning more about it: The Fundraising Day of Mindfulness is on Sunday, October 16th, 2011, at Blue Cliff Monastery (Hudson Valley, NY) with monk Thich Nhat Hanh and the international delegation of monks and nuns from Europe, Asia, and the United States.
If you choose to attend you can pay by going to https://registrar.tnhtour.org/Donate/. If you would like to go with Louise and the group she is organizing from the Rasa Spa meditation group, please contact Louise at weezie122@juno.com. Thank you Louise for organizing this for those interested!
The day will begin at 9am with a dharma talk given by Thich Nhat Hanh, followed by a walking meditation, a mindful lunch, a guided deep relaxation, and sharings in the afternoon by the monks and nuns on the practice of mindful living. The day ends at 4:30pm. The suggested donation is $35 for adults and $25 for students and seniors. All donations are tax deductible if made online.
With loving kindness,
Anne Marie Cummings

Are You Really Meditating?

2011-07-04T13:05:00.000-07:00

When working with students one-on-one, I often check-in with them about what they are doing during their meditation practice. Some of them tell me that while meditating they're at the beach, some of them tell me they're reviewing their to-do list, and some of them tell me they're obsessing over a particular issue they're currently facing. In Buddhism, all of these things are considered distractions; these are things you want to avoid during your meditation practice.
Going to the beach is one person's way of avoiding the present moment by escaping. Reviewing one's to-do list is the mind's way of saying, "Your to-do list is more important than that silly meditation you're doing." And, obsessing over any issue during meditation is another way that the mind exerts control and does its own thing.
So what should be happening during meditation? What should you see? The answer to the first question is concentration on the breath. The answer to the second question is, when we truly concentrate solely on the breath, there is nothing occuring in the mind. Therefore, the moment you lose your concentration, the mind will wander and do its own thing. Meditation has a lot to do with holding your concentration, but first you have to build up your concentration.
Building concentration is a lot like increasing your lung capacity when holding your breath underwater. When you hold your breath underwater for one minute then you're ready to hold your breath for two minutes, then three, then four, and five. Like meditation, it becomes easier the more you practice. And, hopefully you will be able to identify when you're at the beach (in your mind's eye) and when you're really in the present moment.

Five Principals That Lift You Up

2011-06-29T13:44:00.000-07:00

A student from the Tuesday night group meditation class copied a chapter from the book, Sons of the Buddha, by Kamala Tiyavanich. I thought I would share some from that chapter here: The five principals of "the Dhamma that lifts you up and keeps you from falling."

When others wrong you, keep your equanimity and let the wrongdoing go.
Do not wrong others by improper speech or other forms of hostile expression, for others will want to retaliate.
Accept the good regardless of the caste, religion, language, or nationality of the source.
Be kind in speech and generous in material things as well as in hospitality, for as the Dhamma teaches, "When you do good you receive good."
Keep your heart pure. It is easier to make a soiled cloth spotless than to cleanse one's heart.

He's my Brother!

2011-06-19T17:01:00.000-07:00

I love the story Sharon Salzberg writes about in chapter seven -- how two people she knew, who disliked each other, came to understand one another when they learned about each other's background; that they both had suffered in the exact same way.
Furthermore, when one of her friends learned about the man she so vehemently disliked she said, "He's my brother!" Then she no longer held resentment against him. In fact, she was able to look at him and "get" where he was coming from.
Once we have a glimpse into another person's life and how they have been conditioned to respond and be a certain way, we almost always soften and become compassionate. The hard heartedness we carried around with us whenever seeing that person disappears. The key is remembering this during those difficult moments with someone.
What we can also learn from Salzberg's story is that everyone has experiences that have shaped them into the person they are today. We aren't born malicious and inconsiderate. These are behaviors that we learn, often to protect ourselves. Unfortunately, many people do not let go of certain behaviors or patterns that they felt they needed at one point in their lives (and perhaps they did need them at one point in their lives).
The person you may dislike might behave in the way they do because they were physically abused, abandoned, are overcoming an addiction, they are grieving, they are lonely and afraid, they are being bullied by someone, and the list goes on and on and on.
If you spend a little bit of time reflecting on the people you dislike or find to be incredibly difficult you may come to the understanding that they are the way they are because of some suffering they experienced in their past. And the bottom line is, you don't have to know what that person has suffered. Just know this, they are acting negatively or unskillfully because of a conditioned response.
Salzbert writes: "This kind of understanding does not mean that we dismiss or condone a person's negative behavior. But we can look at all of the elements that go into making up that person's life, and can acknowledge their conditioned nature."

Mindfulness in Motion

2011-06-14T11:15:00.000-07:00

The step after practicing meditation seated on a cushion is to bring it with you into every day life. This is called mindfulness in motion. What is mindfulness? In its simplest description it is awareness.
During yoga practitioners learn mindfulness of the body. When you feel pain in your body you don't want to pretend that the pain isn't there. You recognize the pain and do something to make it better.
The same approach applies to the mind. When you are overcome with intense emotions you don't want to pretend that they don't exist. You recognize those intense emotions and do something by addressing them in a skillful way.
Mindfulness in motion does not mean that you are following your breath and meditating all day long. It simply means that you are aware of what you are doing when you are doing it.
While you are walking you are walking and enjoying everything that is entailed with walking. While you are having a conversation with someone you are engaged in that conversation. While you are sitting at your desk to work, you are focused on your work. This is mindfulness in motion.
When do we lose track and become unmindful? If you recognize that you are angry with someone and then instead of calming the anger inside of you, you go after that person and aggravate the situation. If you realize that you are tired and instead of going to bed early and getting the rest you need you stay up all night and exhaust yourself even further. If you recognize an unskillful pattern in your life and you continue that pattern as opposed to seek the help you need to make change.
Meditation is training the mind to become more mindful of what is going on inside and outside of you every day. And awareness is your guide to mindfulness.

Uncovering the Illusion

2011-06-05T14:27:00.000-07:00

The reason why opening to our own pain is so important is because then we are uncovering the illusions we live under or fabricate.
In chapter seven, Sharon Salzberg discusses delveoping the compassionate heart. One of the main ingredients of developing a compassionate heart is compassion for the self and part of having compassion for oneself is looking at where you are and what you feel.
I already discussed how our culture so often encourages the let's-all-be-happy mentality, the everything-is-okay mentality - even when it's not.
What does this do to us? Does this force us to deny where we are? Does this make us ashamed to admit that we aren't okay, that we don't feel "happy."
There is nothing "wrong" or "bad" if you say, "but I'm not okay!" As Salzberg says, "The truth may be difficult to open to, but it will never hurt us. What a relief to have the actual truth openly spoken." Right? What a relief when someone truly understands the way we feel. By sharing the truth we help others do the same.
This is not to say that we should become overwhelmed by any state of confusion, grief, anger, or fear that we feel. Remember, that is not compassion.
By closing oneself off to what really is, one exists in the world with some kind of dis-ease inside that gnaws and eats away at the soul and psyche. By opening to what really is, by recognizing it, the healing process begins. This is one way of developing a compassionate heart.

Lovingkindness for All Beings

2011-05-24T20:07:00.000-07:00

Here is a simply prayer that you can incorporate into your daily meditation practice...
May all living beings be free from danger. May they have mental happiness. May they have physical happiness. May they have ease of well-being.
May all creatures be free from danger. May they have mental happiness. May they have physical happiness. May they have ease of well-being.
May all individuals be free from danger. May they have mental happiness. May they have physical happiness. May they have ease of well-being.
May all those in existence be free from danger. May they have mental happiness. May they have physical happiness. May they have ease of well-being.
Sharon Salzberg suggests in Loving-Kindness to repeat these phrases and extend them to all beings everywhere, without division, without exclusion, without end.

The Brahma-Viharas

2011-05-18T10:46:00.000-07:00

Brahma-Viharas is a Pali word (original language of the Buddha) meaning “heavenly abode” or “best home.” The Buddha taught that practicing these four qualities leads to the “liberation of the heart which is love.” The Brahma-Viharas are:
Metta (lovingkindness) translates both as friendship and also gentle, as in a gentle rain that falls indiscriminately upon everything. Metta practice is a steady, unconditional sense of connection that touches all beings without exception, including ourselves. The Buddha first taught it as an antidote to fear.
Compassion is our caring human response to suffering. A compassionate heart is non-judgmental and recognizes all suffering—our own and that of others—as deserving of tenderness.
Sympathetic Joy is the realization that others’ happiness is inseparable from our own. We rejoice in the joy of others and are not threatened by another’s success.
Equanimity is the spacious stillness of mind that provides the ground for the boundless nature of the other three qualities. This radiant calm enables us to ride the waves of our experience without getting lost in our reactions.

How Fear Can Create Separation

2011-05-08T07:00:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine recently began his search to own his very first home. The process was daunting to him becuase he was warned, by those closest to him and whom he trusts, that "real estate agents will play games with you." This information had my friend, a very gentle and loving person, start his search for homes not believing anything his real estate agent told him.
My friend was torn whenever he listened to his real estate agent. He couldn't believe a word she said, but then at times he couldn't believe his friends. He thought, "How could my real estate agent be lying to me? She seems so honest and earnest and truthful. She can't be playing games." At other times he thought, "But my friends and family wouldn't steer me down the wrong path. They love me and they want what is best for me. I should listen to their advice and not trust my current real esate agent or any real estate agent for that matter."
The stress of searching for a home got to be too much. He didn't know who to believe, his friends and family or his real esate agent. In turn, he wasn't able to buy a home because he operated out of fear and separation. Finally he sat down in the park one day to meditate. This is when he was able to establish a relationship with what was really happening. When we stop and look at our lives, the truth is revealed.
While my friend meditated he realized that his real estate agent really did want him to help him buy a home, but also wanted to make the most money she possibly could in the process. He also realized that his friends and family were looking out for him with the advice they gave, but in the process created an overall sense of distrust in him. He also realized something about himself, that he was rushing because of a timeline that he put upon himself, "I have to own a new home in the next few months so that I can just get this over with."
As much as my friend wanted to buy a home, he decided to slow down and move at a more mindful pace. This way he could make important decisions with a new perspective. This way he could hear and process what everyone was saying without allowing those feelings to cause so much separation within him and outside of him. Many truths were revealed.

Fear and Separation

2011-05-01T13:31:00.000-07:00

The point of the story (between Sharon and the dog Max) at the beginning of chapter six in "Loving Kindness" has to do with how we allow our own fears to "bind us to false and misleading ways of viewing life."
Look at your own identifications and you'll be able to identify how your fears guide you and determine the direction you move in. "This is who I am." "This is all I'll ever be." "I'm carry this scar forever." "I'll never change." "I'll be alone forever." "No one loves me." "I'm a failure. "I should be better at this." "So and so hates me." "I'm afraid and I won't stop being afraid." "I'll always have this job."
We isolate ourselves with these identifications. These identifications are simply concepts, ideas that we create. And, we are filled with ideas that others inflict on us or that we inflict upon ourselves. What's worse, we believe them and live by them.
The danger with concepts is...if you allow them, they will take over your life and before you know it they are your thoughts, your words, your deeds. They become habits and harden into your character. Which thoughts have enslaved you?

Compassion for the Difficult Person Equals Compassion for Yourself

2011-04-22T15:27:00.000-07:00

We all have had, or currently have, someone in our life who is difficult to deal with. What does this typically do to us? It often causes us angst, frustration, anger, and confusion. Thoughts spin around in our minds over and again about how badly this person has treated us. We can’t let go of our feelings and before we realize it we are caught in the difficult person’s web of crazy making behavior.
Questions we can ask ourselves for a new perspective are: “Who is the one who is really suffering here?” “Why am I allowing myself to suffer so much when it is someone else who is acting out?”
Many of us put up a wall when it comes to having compassion for the person who is most difficult in our lives. Perhaps the thinking goes along like this…“I can’t have compassion for that person when they are so rude to me. If I have compassion then they’ll think that I’m not angry with them for being the way they are! I would rather stay angry and punish that person!”
When we do this, what does this do to us? It only continues the pattern of thoughts spinning around in our minds of “the difficult person.”
Having compassion for someone who is difficult for us to deal with is not something you do for them initially. Having compassion is about freeing yourself from the difficult person’s web. Therefore, ultimately, having compassion for yourself is having compassion for the other.

Difficult Aspects of Oneself

2011-04-16T07:58:00.000-07:00

Last week we started the dicussion about how to see goodness in someone whom you feel is difficult in your life. Part of beginning to understand the difficult person is understanding the difficult aspects of yourself. It's relatively easy for us to look around and notice people in our life we are challenged by. It takes great skill to look at oneself and recognize what, in ourselves, we are struggling with.
At the end of chapter five in Loving Kindness, Sharon Salzberg suggests sitting quietly and reflecting on the parts of yourself that you may be struggling with. Are you impatient? Are you a worrier? Are you someone who has a difficult time opening up to those you love and share your life with?
Ask yourself important questions like these. Salzberg says, "Healing begins with the open, compassionate acknowledgment of these unpleasant apsects of our lives." Seeing what you are struggling with is the beginning of transforming your struggles into something else. Key to this exercise is dedicating time to look closely at yourself and nurturing those aspects you struggle with when they arise.
Make a mental list of two or three aspects of yourself you are struggling with. Write them down if that helps. Are there triggers that lead you to be impatient? Are there triggers that lead you to be a worrier? Identify them. Then ask yourself how can I be patient? What can I do instead of worry?
When we recognize any state of aversion in ourselves, it is much easier to understand when you see it in others. This will hopefully help you to develop compassion for those most difficult in your life.

Seeing Goodness

2011-04-10T08:00:00.000-07:00

At the end of chapter five, Salzberg suggests an exercise that may be challenging for some people to do: seeing the good in a person whom we find difficult. The reason why this exercise is so challenging to do is because when someone does something hurtful to us, or perhaps annoying, that is all we can see about that person.
We forget about the good qualities they may have exhibited towards us or others at some point in time. In fact, we may even deny that those qualities even exist believing that their rudeness, once or twice, washes all the good in them away. It may also be that the person who is most difficult for us to deal with in our lives has never been kind to us, is only a pest...another reason why this exercise can be so complex.
Salzberg explains that putting this exercise into practice "allowed me to relate to others without my habitual defensiveness and withdrawal." When we do the above exercise with someone we dislike, feel negativity towards, or perhaps anger, there may be an opening in you -- warmth towards that person, the ability to see that "all beings want to be happy."
There may be great reluctance to try this practice with those in our lives that we feel extreme hatred towards. Don't force anything. Just keep this exercise in mind and then maybe one day, there will be the understanding that their own ignorance is what causes them to be so difficult towards others.

Your Inner Voice

2011-04-02T14:49:00.000-07:00

After working with a few private clients today I thought I would reiterate how important it is to cultivate a gentle inner voice during your meditation practice. Many of us may have developed a hard way of speaking to ourselves. "Oh, how could you do that!" "What's wrong with you?" "Don't be so stupid!"
Many of us aren't aware of the voice we use with ourselves. So, when you count or repeat a mantra in your mind while you are meditating, the goal is to develop a very gentle voice. Remember, your mind is like a wild horse. When you are meditating, think of yourself as the horse whisperer. Does the horse whisperer approach a wild horse in a forceful way? No. The horse whispere is gentle. The horse whisperer treads lightly. This is how you want to approach your mind. Only then will your wild horse of a mind pay attention and begin to change.
When you are meditating, find your soothing inner voice. If you are counting to focus your mind on your breath, count slowly. If you are repeating a mantra, repeat the mantra as if you were the person you most admire for their calming influence. If you are hard on yourself your mind won't listen. If you are gentle, then gentleness will begin to be what you crave because it feels good. This is who you really are. And, it's always there, always with you.

Gaining Wisdom Through Meditation

2011-03-26T06:47:00.000-07:00

The story I read from Salzberg's book last week was something we didn't have time to discuss. In short, Salzberg met a lama who started his meditation studies and practice late in life. He progressed very quickly. When she asked him how he progressed so quickly in his practice, he told the story of how he, earlier in his life, had captured and tortured people. But, years later, he had been captured and tortured. What this taught him was that "nobody other than himself could make him suffer mentally." He decided not to add to the terrible torment that he was undergoing physically by taking care of his mind.
"Nobody other than himself could make him suffer mentally." This is very important to understand and practice. Meditation can assist if we put it into practice in everyday life. When someone says something to you, it is very easy for the non-meditator to react in an impulsive way, say something back to hurt the other person, or maybe even do something to hurt the other person. But, think for a moment how freeing it would be if you recognize that no one outside of you can make you suffer mentally.
When we meditate we learn to see, but not engage with, the distractions within and outside of us. Someone can say something horrible to you, but meditation teaches us that when someone says something horrible they are the ones who are deeply suffering. You will become very wise, very quickly, and advance in your own meditation practice, like the lama that Salzberg met, when you understand this the next time someone says something to hurt you.

Agents of Revenge

2011-03-19T07:00:00.000-07:00

In Sharon Salzberg's book, Loving Kindness, chapter five, "Working with Anger and Aversion," she writes with so much clarity about the function of anger. "The function of anger is to burn up its own support, like a forest fire. It leaves us with nothing; it leaves us devastated." She later goes on to say that "anger can leave us in a place very far from where we intended to go."
What leads us further away from peace and serenity is the DELUDING quality of anger. What are the deluding qualities of anger? Think of the forest fire. What does the forest fire do? It burns everything it sight, it moves rapidly, it destroys everything it comes in contact with, it focuses on one thing - destruction, it leaves nothing behind. It deludes you because it leads you to thinking that none of these things will happen.
Anger has such a strong force that Salzberg talks about it being similar to desire. She quotes Vaclav Havel as saying, "...the hater longs for the object of his hatred." When this happens we then become, what Salzberg calls "agents of revenge." We are caught in a very viscious cycle of hostility, harm and revenge. It's a horrible cycle that most of us have experienced.
How then do we stop the cycle once we recognize it in ourselves? Remember where you intend to go...your intention is compassion, love, understanding, serenity. Think about how dangerous it is to stay in hate. Think about how unskillful it is to spend your time hating another, being angry at another. Think about what that does to you. Think about how that is such a waste of your valuable, precious time.
The force of love, for self and other, is what breaks the cylce of anger and hate. Buddha said in the Dhammapada, "With our thoughts we make the world. Speak or act with an impure mind and trouble will follow you as the wheel follows the ox that draws the cart."

Five Reminders

2011-03-13T16:05:00.000-07:00

It can not be denied that coping with aversion is not easy. It is a strong force of an energy that can grip us and take us for a ride. However, there are stages of awareness and action that can help you to cope with mind-states of aversion, but this takes much, much practice.
First, notice the emotions arising in you.Second, recognize what they are doing to you.Third, pull yourself away from the direction the strong emotions are taking you. Fourth, remember that the emotions arising in you are not "in" you and need to "come out"; your reaction to them is simply a conditioned response. Fifth, understand that the strong emotions you are feeling will pass.
It is extremely easy to be sucked into the thoughts which lead you deeper into negative mind-states. The goal is to think of your emotions like a wild horse. YOU have to be the one to take them by the reigns and calm them down. In the heat of the moment your emotions don't calm themselves down, particularly if you are in the habit of allowing them to take over and keep you fixated.
As difficult of a task as it may be, change your focus...go for a walk, breathe, say a prayer, read something uplifting, pet your cat or dog, take a shower, cook yourself a meal, call up a friend and ask them how they are doing and talk calmly about what is going on with you. Everything feels very REAL in the moment. Everything can feel extremely DEVASTATING in the moment. Just step back, breath, and get through the storms that rise in you...

Opening to Aversion

2011-03-05T16:35:00.000-08:00

What is aversion? The way that Salzberg explains aversion in her book "Loving Kindness," is mind-states that we experience through a host of afflictions such as anger, fear, impatience, grief, disappointment, anxiety, and despair.
So how do we transform aversion in our minds? First and foremost is understanding that aversion is a conditioned response. As Salzberg explains, "when we identify with the passing state of aversion as being solid and who we truly are, we let them rule us and are then compelled to act in ways that cause harm to ourselves and others."
Let's break this down: believing our aversion is solid. The reason why you might lose control when you feel anger is because you believe that the anger that you feel in that moment is real, but, in fact, it's transitory. The reason why you are depressed when you feel disappointed is because you believe in that moment that you will die from disappointment, but, in fact, the disappointment you feel will pass as well.
Second, there is believing that our states of aversion are who we truly are. How many of you have said to yourself, "I'm just an angry person." "I'm a sad person." "I'm a grieving person." You may feel anger, you may feel grief, you may feel extreme disappointment, but those emotions are not you. They are a conditioned response that can be reconditioned.
So how do we open ourselves to the gripping states of aversion that we feel? The next time you feel any state of aversion, whether it be hatred, gloom, dejection, fear, contemplate just how you can overcome that mind-state before repressing it, reacting to it, fixating on it, misunderstanding it, saying or doing something about it. What then is left for you to do?

Letting Go of Aversion

2011-02-27T11:47:00.000-08:00

We all experience aversion. It is very important to understand however HOW we experience aversion. According to Salzberg, in her book, "Loving-Kindness," we either experience aversion outwardly or inwardly, sometimes both.
For many of us, when we are angry, we lash out. But many of us hold that anger within. The same can be said about grief or disappointment.
Notice how you receive aversion to someone or something. What do you do? Remember how Thich Nhat Hanh encourages us to handle our aversions. He says to treat our aversions like a mother would nurture a baby. Aversions can be very dangerous. They can harm ourselves or they can harm others, and very quickly.
Observe yourself greeting aversion when it arises. Are you holding it in? Ignoring it? Deciding to fall asleep because you believe you cannot handle its strong hold on you? Or, are you yelling at your neighbor or you friends because you don't know what to do with the aversions you feel?
Aversion is like tumbleweed. A very strong ball of energy that keeps moving if there's wind. The moment aversion arises and we don't address it, our aversion can get carried away by the thoughts in our minds. Make the decision that you will stand still and stay calm while the tumbleweed rolls around in the wind. Don't go with it. Who knows where the tumbleweed goes...

Mind-States

2011-02-19T14:37:00.000-08:00

In "Loving-Kindness" by Sharon Salzberg, Salzberg says that what we think we need in order to be happy is "often someone else's construction of reality." How often does it happen in your own life that you are swayed to do what someone else tells you will make you happy? How often do you drop what is important to you to do what is important to someone else?
In this same section Salzberg talks about mind-states. She says that certain mind-states are what we are really after. Mind-states such as love, wisdom, kindness, generosity, gratitude, understanding, compassion, ease in accepting obstacles, non-judgment. These are inner qualities that can't be found when we are attached to power, greed, anger, or jealousy.
Think about the last time that something unexpected happened to you. A friend called you and said, "I can't go with you on that vacation we planned because something else came up." You might feel angry, you might feel sad, you might feel like lashing out. This is because you were attached to things being a certain way. But naturally. When a friend says they'll do something and then they don't, we are disappointed.
But, what happens if you step back for a moment and then ask your friend questions, decide that you want to understand where they are coming from, decide that you don't want to stay in an angry mind-state. When you do this you open your heart and gain a new perspective.
Now the perspective you gain may be that your friend's relative passed away and has to go to a funeral. You gain compassion, understand, and make other plans, possibly change the dates of your vacation together. Or the perspective you gain may be that your friend feels it's more important to go away with another friend on his or her vacation. You can have compassion for your friend because you see that what they decided to do was not thoughtful. But, in turn, you have compassion for yourself and make the decision that, from now on, you will plan trips with someone else. If you are dedicated to reaping the benefits of meditation, then your mind-state is what will matter most.

New Perspective on Goals

2011-02-10T12:49:00.000-08:00

We are continuing our discussion about attachment. The question was raised, "What about desire for a goal - does that mean you are attached if you set a goal for yourself and want that?"
There is nothing negative that will come from wanting, having hopes and dreams, and setting goals, unless we get lost in the cycle of seeking and guarding that goal, that desire and want at all costs.
Think about something in your own life that you want very much. Say it's opening your own restaurant. This is your goal and then you go about to make your goal come to life. But there are obstacles along the way. Perhaps the bank won't lend you the money you need. Perhaps the opening of your restaurant won't happen in the time frame that you would like. Perhaps the location for your restaurant is not available for you afterall.
If you are attached, to the point where you are fixated, to having things be a specific way (the location of your restaurant, the type of food you serve, the bank you work with, the opening date) then you will make yourself sick. Sometimes things do go exactly as we plan, but more often than not they don't. This doesn't mean you can't reach your goals, it just means that you have to be less attached to the way you think things will be.
It could be that while you wait and wait and wait to obtain money from the bank for your restaurant, you meet someone who inspires you to do something else, something much more exciting, like work with them at their vineyard.
When we let go of our attachments then we see what else, what other opportunities are in front of us. If you say to yourself, "But there's absolutely nothing else in this world I can do but run a restaurant. I won't be happy unless everything goes my way," then you are stuck in quicksand.
Letting go of what you are attached to (whether it be a person, place, idea, or object) does not mean that you have to let go of your goal. Letting go of your attachment means loosening that tight hold onto your goal. When you loosen that tight hold onto your goal you are able to go with the changes occuring outside of you in order to get to that goal or another.
This is the difference between the eyes gazing versus the eyes intensely focused. Which feels better to you?

Identify What Causes Stress

2011-02-05T20:41:00.000-08:00

Unfortunately, many of us do not know what is causing us stress. Maybe it's because we've never stopped to look closely at our lives, or maybe it's because some of us are so overwhelmed by people and circumstances that we don't even know how to get out of the stress cycle we're in.
Meditation isn't a mircale cure for stress. What is will do, however, is help you to slow down and see what you're up to. Meditation means that you are taking time out for yourself. So many of us are on the "automatic track" that we do and say things without realizing what we're doing.
Maybe we hurt ourselves or someone else without realizing it. Maybe we hang out with people that cause us stress, we stay in a job that causes us stress, or we are unable to say no to others and we feel stressed out because we give too much to others and not enough to ourselves.
If you want to eliminate stressors in your life, meditation will help you to identify what you habitually get stressed about. Stop and see what's going on around you. Empower yourself and ask, "What am I going to do about this stress because I don't really want this do I?" When you wholeheartedly ask yourself this question then you are open for change.
Make a list of all of the things that cause you stress, habitually. Next to each one write what you can do about it. You'll either be able to accept it or avoid it. If you accept, for example, that it stresses you out when people don't write emails back to you in at least two days of you sending them an email, then accepting that means that the next time someone does not write back to you within two days of you sending them an email, you will have to remind yourself that you have committed to accepting this particular scenario because you know that if you don't, you'll get stressed.
This is when it's entirely up to you. Change and have some peace of mind for a change, if that's what you really want, or do things the same way you have been and stay stressed. As we say in meditation, the mind is like a wild horse. Tame it.

See How You Are Attached

2011-01-28T12:07:00.000-08:00

Perhaps one of the most difficult challenges we all face, at one point or another, is attachment. Salzberg explains, "This is a state of mind that defines what we think we need in order to be happy. We project all of our hopes and dreams of fulfillment onto some object of our attention. This may be a certain activity or outcome, a particular thing or person."
The trap with attachment is that we become deluded by our "temporary enchantment." We begin to have tunnel vision, we feel isolated, and nothing else exists to us other than our attachment.
We become fixated because the object of our desire is sexy, because it will give us many things, because it sounds wonderful, because other people have it, because we think we'll be liked more if we obtain it, because it's what someone else wants for us, because we will be more "powerful" when we obtain that which we are attached to. When we are attached to an outcome our mind is like a polluted pond. When the mind is polluted you cannot see to the bottom of the pond. All you see is what you need to have, what you want to have, and nothing else matters, nothing else will bring you contentment and happiness.
How do we stop this cycle? How many of you have wanted something so badly that you made yourself sick over wanting it? You focused so much on that one thing that nothing else could be enjoyed? Begin to see what you are clinging and holding tightly onto, see how that is taking you away from living the rest of your life. Ask yourself, "What do I really want and need in order to be happy?" Perhaps then you can let go of the outcome and be content with all that is right in front of you, right now.
The artwork here is a portion of a mandala. The Buddhist monks put so much time and energy in creating the mandala, and when it is done they erase it. This is the practice of letting go of the outcome. Make something beautiful for someone, and then give it away. Now you are not so attached.

Transforming Intense Emotions

2011-01-22T06:06:00.000-08:00

A question that beginner meditators often ask is: "Am I supposed to be suppressing my intense emotions, like anger? Is that the goal of meditation?”
The goal is not to suppress and deny any intense feelings that arise. The goal is to learn to observe intense emotions and then be with them for a while. This is so difficult for many of us because what we are used to practicing is either venting, complaining, taking our anger out on someone, taking it out on ourselves, or ignoring and shoving it under a rug, saying, "I just can't deal with this."
Learning a new behavior is always challenging. In meditation the goal is to nurture our anger, frustration, sadness, and grief. The goal is not to react, but to reach a place where we can respond with wisdom and perspective. The goal is to observe what's boiling in you and be patient so that the intense energy in you transforms into something else. Patience with these intense emotions is required so that you can obtain a new perspective such as understanding and compassion.
Beginner meditators come to understand, rather quickly, that all emotions and feelings pass. When this happens, many of us "see" something we didn't see. If you are in the middle of a tornado it's very difficult to escape. But if you are on the outside of a tornado, then you can save yourself and others. Meditation teaches us to shift our emotions, and see things differently.

Remember Where Serenity Comes From

2011-01-16T11:31:00.000-08:00

In this next section Salzberg so simply reminds us that we cannot rely on "changing circumstances for our happiness." All of us cope with changing circumstances, but how many of us rely on those changing circumstances to bring us happiness?
Take a moment to think about the changing circumstances that you have faced or that others face: We wake-up to a snow storm and are stuck at home for the day, we suddenly feel sick and have a fever, our child comes home crying because they were beat up at school, our car breaks down, we lose our jobs, our partner dies, we are attached to looking young and not growing old, we suddenly have arthritis, and so on down the line.
Everything around us is always changing. If we can truly accept that, then it won't come as a surprise when change happens and it won't through us for a loop when things don't go as planned. This certainly doesn't mean that we don't feel upset when change occurs, but at least we have come to the understanding in our hearts that all things change. This is constant.
How then are we to be serene when the world we live in presents so many obstacles day-in and day-out? By developing what can be constant within. At all times we can maintain our serenity. This is based on how we receive "the vicissitudes of life."

The Questions to Ask Ourselves

2011-01-08T08:05:00.000-08:00

In his book, The Miracle of Mindfulness, Thich Nhat Hahn so beautifully writes, "If you want to know your own mind, there is only one way: to observe and recognize everything about it. This must be done at all times, during your day-to-day life no less than during the hour of meditation."
The key word is to recognize. The first step is to observe your mind, but the second step is equally important - to recognize negative patterns in your mind. The more you observe your mind, the more you will begin to recognize what you are doing that is causing your unhappiness and the unhappiness of others.
The beauty about being mindful is that the times that you are not being mindful will begin to standout. This is when you can ask yourself very important questions: What did I do to contribute to the negative outcome of this situation? What could I do next time to prevent that same negative situation and outcome from reocurring? How was I behaving? Was I being mindful?
Remember, mindfulness is an action. When you are mindful you are paying attention to what's around you. You are paying attention to what you are doing. You are paying attention by listening to what someone is saying to you. You are listening, listening, listening. Stop speaking and practice listening, really listening.

First the Breath, then Feelings and Perceptions

2011-01-02T14:31:00.000-08:00

When you first meditate the goal is to observe the breath. By doing this you create an inner calmness and serene joy. You are calming the mind, and quieting the thoughts that arise in your mind.
After about six months you learn to observe your feelings and perceptions. The goal is not to chase your feelings and perceptions away. The goal is to be aware of what they are when they arise.
One way of building this awareness is to take the simple activity of cleaning your house or cleaning the dishes. While you are cleaning, focus on your breathing and notice your feelings when they arise. Remain with your breath. Pay attention to what you are doing and what arises within you. Just observe and at the same time continue with the task you are doing.
When you eat a bowl of pasta at a restaurant with a friend. Eat the pasta, observe your breath, and also listen to your friend. Be aware of what you are doing and the feelings and perceptions that arise within you at the same time. You can try this same exercise when you are listening to a friend or relative. Let them speak and just listen. Listen and be aware of your breathing while you listen to them. Exercises like this one will help you go from observing your breath, feelings and perceptions into seeing the true nature of your mind, but that is a topic for another time.
When you practice mindfulness of the breath in meditation then you will not be lured away by feelings and perceptions when they arise in you, but first, you must practice mindfulness of the breath in meditation and during your days. Thich Nhat Hanh so eloquently says, "Whenever your mind becomes scattered, use your breath as the means to take hold of your mind again."

MEDITATION NEWS UPDATE

2010-12-18T10:16:00.000-08:00

Hello meditators!
This monthly update is to let everyone know that the Tuesday night meditation class is happening every Tuesday this month. You won't have to go through the holidays without being able to relax and take time to check in with yourself and your fellow meditation friends.
Meditation class times are the same this month, 7:45 p.m. to 8:45 p.m. However, please note that the spa and the spa boutique close at 9 p.m. so if you would like to purchase anything from the boutique or make a spa appointment, it will be easier for you and the spa if you do that prior to meditation class.
I look foward to seeing everyone this month. And do remember, if you need to talk during the holidays and are feeling overwhelmed or stressed, I do offer private meditation sessions and am more than happy to help when help is needed! With loving kindess, Anne Marie

Live With Integrity

2010-12-14T09:39:00.000-08:00

This section in Salzberg's book is so powerful! In the past we have discussed feelings of fragmenting and compartmentalizing our lives. Salzberg's examples are ones we may all identify with on some level or another..."telling lies at work and then expecting great truths in meditation, or using our sexual energy in a way that harms ourselves or others and then expecting to know transcendent love in another arena..." In otherwords, lies you tell yourself and continue to believe keep you from being truly intimate with yourself and others. Your relationship with others begins with an honest relationship with yourself first and foremost.
What Salzberg is writing about is that every aspect of our lives is connected to every other aspect of our lives. If you feel miserable about the work you do, this will affect the rest of your life. We can't separate ourselves from what we do. How is that possible? If you are married and having an affair, the affair you are having will affect your marriage, the person you are having an affair with, and yourself. If you are kind to others at work and curse at your family, you may not recognize what you are doing.
Meditation is about looking at yourself and befriending yourself. When you begin to meditate and you don't like what you see, meditation is a gentle approach to bring all aspects of your life together. It may be painful at times to see the things you don't like about yourself. It may even be startling to see that, without even realizing it, you've been duplicitous for quite some time.
If you have awareness about the things you do that are not honest, that awareness may help you take better care of yourself so that you feel whole and connected to everything you do. You will be more peaceful and serene because you will have found yourself, your true nature, and you will be following that path. It may be difficult to get there, but slowly you will.
"Every aspect of our lives is connected to every other aspect of our lives. This truth is the basis for an awakened life." Sharon Salzberg

Remember The Good Within You

2010-12-07T11:24:00.000-08:00

At the end of this chapter Salzberg teaches us a few exercises to continue to cultivate lovingkindness in ourselves. One of those exercises is called, "Remembering the Good Within You."
Sit comfortably and close your eyes. Connect with your breathing and recall a time in your life that you did or said something that you feel was a good action. Perhaps this was a time when you were generous, caring, a time when you listened to someone, or even contributed money to an important cause. When you think of what you did, allow that happiness to fill you again.
Recognize the ability in you to be loving and kind and giving to others. Sustain that feeling as you recall one, two, or as many good actions that you have taken. Please remember that this goodness is always within you - even those days that you lose your temper, say something you wish you hadn't, or hurt someone's feelings. All of us step off the track every once in a while, but all of us have many, many riches inside of us to share with others.

The Wish to be Happy

2010-11-30T10:16:00.000-08:00

Our greatest ally in the practice of lovingkindness towards ourselves and others is the wish to be happy. "This wish functions as a homing instinct for freedom when we can unite it with understanding what actually brings us happiness."
But the key is to understand what actually brings you happiness. Is it the ability to remain mindful all day long? Is it spending more time alone? Sleeping and resting more? Worrying less? Is it changing the job that you have? Is it you realizing that you cannot control your partner, husband, parent? What will bring you happiness?
In this section Salzberg also speaks about how many people believe that in order to be happy or feel liberated they must torture themselves. We see this everywhere in our culture and other cultures. This is the attitude of, work longer, run more miles until I exhaust myself to death, get angry at myself and then maybe I'll change and remember not to do that next time.
The wish is to be happy. The wish isn't to feel pain, suffer, endure a job that you don't like. What will bring you happiness? Don't be afraid to ask this question and follow its answer.

No External Condition Can Prevent Love

2010-11-23T09:31:00.000-08:00

"No external condition can prevent love; no one and no thing can stop it." This statement by Salzberg is very powerful if you recognize this and practice this yourself. But it does take recognizing and it does mean trying this out to see that it is true and can be done.
As cliche as it may sound, there's much truth behind, "Love can go anywhere." The obstructions to love and being loving are not external, as we might think that they are, yet they are internal. You are the only one standing in the way of your own lovingkindness. Lovingkindness is always with you - it may be buried under anger and sadness and frustration at times, but it is there. The goal is to keep your lovingkindness on the surface so that it is the first thing you and others experience.
It's easy to say, "She was rude and unkind, therefore, I can not give that person love and unconditional understanding." But you can. Someone's moment of insensitivity does not have to stop you from being the way you are. Someone's bad day and hot temper doesn't have to block you from being filled with lovingkindness. Once you have awakened love in you, once you realize that we are all connected, your happiness won't be bound or dependent on external circumstances.
The reason why lovingkindess can remain visible to you and to others is because you have the awareness that this is the true nature of your mind and that when you block out love and understanding, and its steady unconditional connection to others, you are covering up who you truly are.

Embrace All Parts of Yourself

2010-11-16T13:44:00.000-08:00

Sharon Salzberg speaks about metta throughout her book, Loving Kindness. "Metta is the ability to embrace all parts of ourselves, as well as all parts of the world." When we practice metta throughout our day, when things don't go well, when things do, when the unexpected happens, when the wonderful happens, we are not denying any part of life and any part of ourself. We all make mistakes, but how often do you make a mistake and say to yourself, "It's okay, I just made a mistake." More often we beat ourselves up and criticize ourselves. We can't let go of following a train of thought of, "What's wrong with me?" "Why did I do that?" "I'm such a mess!" Life feels different when you open to all of it with love.
Salzberg writes about "torments of the mind." A practiced meditator will understand clearly that when mental states like anger, greed, fear, guilt, and jealousy enter the mind, these are just defilements, just visitors. You can open the door to them, but you don't have to let them in. What is always present, whenever you open your door is radiance, love, purity of mind.

Your Loving-Kindness Will Change the World

2010-11-09T20:46:00.000-08:00

The big question tonight was, "How many of you have seen the results of your own lovingkindness towards fear, anger, grief, pessimism, sarcasm, in others?" The story read this evening, about how a group of monks were able to, with the practice of lovingkindess, move the dark forest and transform its negative energy, is very powerful if each of you practice lovingkindness towards yourself and others. You too can move others to respond in the same manner as you. Your lovingkindness will actually move others to be kind, loving, even compassionate.
If your approach is the opposite of lovingkindness, what do you think you will do to others? How will a hard attitude make another person feel? How will judgement make another person feel? How will your fear and worry and obsessive behavior make another person feel? Lovingkindness is what truly moves others. It's hard to overlook this beautiful energy.
Remember that the inner meaning of the story we spoke of this evening from Salzberg's book is "a mind filled with fear can still be penetrated by the quality of lovingkindness. A mind saturated by lovingkindness cannot be overcome by fear; even if fear should arise, it will not overpower such a mind."
Lovingkindness translates "both as friendship and also gentle, as in a gentle rain that falls indiscriminately upon everything. Metta practice is a steady, unconditional sense of connection that touches all beings without exception, including ourselves. The Buddha first taught it as an antidote to fear."

MEDITATION NEWS BRIEF

2010-11-06T08:30:00.000-07:00

Hello everyone!
I'm so glad that the heated pillows worked well during the relaxation part of our meditation class. We will have more soon so that anyone attending can use a heated pillow on any area of the body that may be sore or tight.
Also, copies of Loving-Kindness by Sharon Salzberg are in. This is the book that we are currently reading and discussing in the Tuesday night meditation group.
And about meditation retreats, a number of you have been asking me about places to travel to for a weekend or week-long meditation retreat. I am more than happy to make a few suggestion. Please visit the websites and do your research before making the decision to go on a retreat. Call the locations and ask questions. Each place is unique and finding the location that will best suit you and your needs takes a bit of time. Here are a few spots nearby: Springwater Center outside of Rochester, http://www.springwatercenter.org/; Karme Choling in Vermont, http://www.karmecholing.org/; The Interdependence Project in NYC, http://www.theidproject.org/; Insight Meditation Society in Massachusetts, http://www.dharma.org/; Sky Lake Lodge in Rosendale, NY, http://www.sky-lake.org/; Shambhala Meditation Center in NYC, http://www.shambhala.org/; and for a taste of Zen, Still Mind Zendo in NYC, http://www.stillmindzendo.org/. See you soon! Anne Marie

The Revolutionary Art of Happiness

2010-11-02T19:23:00.000-07:00

This evening we completed this chapter. Remember that it started with the discussion of "knowing ourselves to always be at home," and that true happiness "requires a radical change of view as to where to find it."

That change of view comes as a result of meditation. We begin to realize that when we let go, when we stop holding on, when we stop trying to control the things we cannot change, when we stop being dependent on those things that change around us, we begin to have that internal revolution that Salzberg writes about.

When we meditate - and it's there for us all the time if we know how to make contact with it - we don't feel fragmented, we don't feel separate, we don't feel isolated and alone, and we don't feel that others are strangers to us. We feel open. We feel health and unity. And we are aware that all the feelings and emotions and the stuff of life - all this is just stuff. We learn to cut right through all of that and see the true nature of all things.This liberates us. This change of perspective cannot be attained by intellectualizing about meditation. You must practice and practice at the most difficult of moments and slowly you will see that you are changing your perspective. This happens slowly.

The State of Suchness

2010-10-19T19:25:00.000-07:00

We touched a bit upon what Salzberg calls, "the state of suchness," of a state of feeling "whole." She writes about how the difference between a state of misery and happiness depends on what we do with our attention. Remember what was discussed last week - that "true happiness may not be at all far away, but it requires a radical change of view as to where to find it." In other words, it requires a shift in your attention and where you place it.
So where do you place your attention? On fear? On worry? On trying to control the uncontrollable? On the present moment? On accepting what is as it arises? On changing your negative habit energy? Your attention can be trained to be like the wind - giving in to every thought that arises in your mind. Or, your attention can be trained to be only in the present moment and not get pulled in the ups and downs of what arises within you and around you.
Like the yin/yang sign, both light and darkness exist - we cannot live in this world only in one state - we must experience both, we cannot escape this, but this doesn't mean that we have to be like a pendulum - being won over by each state that arises in us.
Sharon uses a beautiful metaphor of how a mountain doesn't change just because there are fierce winds blowing over it - it doesn't cave in and collapse. And the deep sea doesn't alter just because of the crashing waves on its surface. If we can begin to see ourselves as the mountain, unchanging, despite what is happening all around us. When we begin to practice this way of existing in the world - when we truly understand that the feeling of wholeness can still exist despite the chaos that may be around us - then we will experience that state of wholeness, that state of suchness.
"We must move from trying to control the uncontrollable cycles of pleasure and pain, and instead learn how to connect, to open, to love no matter what is happening."

Only Connect

2010-10-12T18:53:00.000-07:00

According to Sharon Salzberg, the key to our deepest happiness lies in changing our vision of where to seek it. How often do we look far away from where we are for happiness? How often do we think that we have to wait for our own happiness? How often do we think that we need to be busy to be happpy? That we have to travel and "get away" to be happy? That we have to make straight A's to be happy?
Too often we take the long journey because we aren't seeing what's right in front of us.The question to ask is why do we take the long journey? Why are we like the man in the story from tonight's reading - unable to see that he doesn't need to build the perfect chair in order to be comfortable? There's a chair right next to him that will make him comfortable. Yet the man doesn't see it at first? Why?
In order to change our vision of where to seek happiness, we do need to recognize and catch ourselves in the act of taking the long journey and making things more difficult than they need to be. Once we realize that we're doing this, then we have that awareness to do something more skillful. Just remember what Hakuin, the Japanase poet, said, Not knowing how near the Truth is, people seek it far away. What a pity! They are like one who, in the midst of water, cries out in thirst so imploringly.
And do consider meditating on this: "How strange our conditioning is: to feel so alone in our pain, and to feel so vulnerable and isolated in our happiness." We didn't talk about this one this evening, but ask yourself "Do I feel this way?" And then see if the next time you feel alone in your pain, you can connect with someone. How do you feel after that? And then see if the next time you feel isolated in your happiness, you can connect with someone as well. How do you feel doing that? As E.M. Forster says, Only connect.

Loving Kindess

2010-10-05T19:57:00.000-07:00

This evening we started to read Sharon Salzerg's book "Loving Kindness." This is something we touched upon: "The integrity we develop on a spiritual path comes from being able to distinguish for ourselves the habits and influences in the mind which are skillful and lead to love and awareness, from those which are unskillful and reinforce our false sense of separation."

We can easily become aware that the habits and influences in our mind that lead to love and awareness (that being the goal) are skillful habits. How do we know when our mind is being influenced by unskillful habits? When we notice our mind go down the path of a false sense of separation from others.
The more awareness we have, the more we notice how we are acting and what we are paying attention to in our minds. When you become skillful then you no longer are lost in distraction. When you are skillful, you are being mindful in that moment and then over time the next moment and so on - it is never ending once you make the goal the brahma-viharas: lovingkindness, compassion, sympathetic joy, and equanimity. Understanding these four qualities and living these four qualities is liberating.
As definied by Sharon Salzberg, metta or lovingkindness is a steady, unconditional sense of connection that touches all beings without exception, including ourselves. Compassion is our caring human response to suffering. A compassionate heart is non-judgmental and recognizes all suffering - our own and that of others - as deserving of tenderness. Sympathetic Joy is the realization that others' happiness is inseperable from our own. We rejoice in the joy of others and are not threatened by another's success. Equanimity is the spacious stillness of mind that provides the ground for the boundless nature of metta, compassion, and sympathetic joy. The calm of equanimity enables us to ride the waves of our experience without getting lost in our reactions.

Live Each Moment Beautifully

2010-09-28T19:07:00.000-07:00

How Hanh ends his book Anger is so powerful! He reminds us that it is so important to enjoy everything we do. If you are chef and you spend much of your time cooking in a hot kitchen, then spending time reading and doing other things other than cooking will be very valuable to the time you spend in the kitchen. If you are a doctor, the time you spend in your garden, the time you spend with your family will help you as a doctor.

Hanh talks about how a friend of his thinks it's a waste of his time if he doesn't spend more of his time writing his books as opposed to spending time in his garden. But Hanh responded by saying, "My dear friend, if I did not grow lettuce, I could not write the books I write." Every experience he has in life is what makes him such a beautiful poet.
He says, "If you don't live every moment of your daily life deeply, then you cannot write. You can't produce anything valuable to offer to others." He is also saying, "You have to do other things in your life as well. And the time you spend doing these other things (outside of your professions) is extremely important. You have to do them well. You have to put one hundred percent of yourself into the act of cooking, watering the vegetable garden, dish washing."
Enjoy whatever you are doing and do everything you do deeply. Slow down, take the time you need to accomplish the things you are doing. By doing this you will slowly change your ways of doing things in order to just get them done. Enjoy everything you do - even if it may be difficult for you to do it. This is the practice and when you learn to do things this way, you will feel satisfied, you will be living your life in the present.

MEDITATION NEWS BRIEF

2010-09-22T07:35:00.000-07:00

Hello everyone!

I'd like to take the time to write to all of you who have been attending the Tuesday night meditation class. Thank you all for your continued sharing of thoughts each week. We learn so much from one another when we share our experiences. And what's more, your sharing provides wonderful opportunities for each of us to practice compassionate listening.

Now that October is approaching please note that we will be incorporating our new meditation menu with special spa offerings tagged onto each meditation class. Some Tuesdays we will incorporate sound and candle therapy, some Tuesdays you'll receive a heated neck pillow for the relaxation exercise prior to meditation, and some Tuesdays you'll be offered the pure essential oils that are grounding and useful for meditation.

In a few weeks we will begin reading Sharon Salzberg's book Loving Kindness. We will be selling this book at Rasa Spa and they should be available very soon. To learn more about Sharon visit her website at http://www.sharonsalzberg.com/. Also, please keep in mind that class begins at 7:45pm and goes until 8:45pm, however, I ask that each of you arrive at 7:30pm so that you can enjoy a cup of tea and relax in the tranquility room before class begins. What better way to calm your thoughts!
Once a month I will post a news brief on this blog to keep all of you posted on meditation news and updates and when class may be cancelled (during holidays for example). Thank you all for being such wonderful meditation students and teachers for me and each other. Be sure not to miss next week's class as we'll be discussing Thich Nhat Hanh's "conclusions" at the end of his book Anger.
with loving kindness -
Anne Marie

Making Happiness a Priority

2010-09-08T08:03:00.000-07:00

What Hanh writes about in this section is when we begin to realize what is most important to us. When we realize what is most important to us then we can make the decisions to follow that path. He uses the example of how he would like to write another book on Buddhism and at the very same time the conflict that arises in making that decision. For Hanh another book is very important to him and he knows it will take one year to complete. This means that during that time, in order to write it, he will not give dharma talks, no consultations, no reatreats, and so on.

Each of us has to make important decisions in our life. We decide to have a degree and we dedicate years and years of our lives for that degree. We decide to commit our time to helping the poor and perhaps that means not getting the degree we have thought about. We decide to take a job that pays less money than we may be used to in order to spend more time with our children, family, and partner. We decide to make our peace and equanimity of mind a priority and decide that we prefer that over living in a crowded city with very little nature.

Hopefully you will come to realize what is most important to you, what you want deeply for your life. In order to follow the path that is most important to you, to your well-being and to your happiness, you first must spend the time to realize what is most important to you. What kind of person do you want to be in a relationship with? What kind of job is important to you? How do you want to spend your free time and so on down the line...
If you don't know what's most important to you, then just remember in the meantime, "You should not practice like a machine, but with intelligence, so that each step, each breath, will make you feel better. Touch the wonders of life within and around you. Nourish yourself by allowing the beautiful and healing elements around you to penetrate you. Cultivate the capacity of being happy. What kind of obstacle is preventing us from being happy?" May all beings dwell in equanimity, free from attachement and aversion...

The Different Seeds Within Us

2010-08-31T18:58:00.000-07:00

From this evenings reading Hanh pointed out how important it is to understand that each of us have seeds in us such as seeds of anger, seeds of compassion, seeds of worry, or joy. The difference between a skilled meditator and an unskilled meditator is that a skilled meditator not only knows that the seeds of anger are always with him/her, but he or she knows how to manage the anger when it arises. The unskilled meditator will not recognize when anger is arising in them. The unskilled meditator will allow the anger to arise, escalate, and get out of control. Managing habits such as anger, depression, anxiety, insomnia, frustration, and so on, is simply a matter of learning to recognize that it's there. When we are meditating we are recognizing that our anger is present. When we are meditating we are recognizing that our sadness is present, or our worry, or our fear. Once we recognize it we can call it by its name.

Some of us are lucky enough to get to see that our anger or our worry and fear are habits that were passed down to us. Maybe we rush around all the time because that's what our mother or father did and they passed that habit onto us. Or maybe we overeat when we are upset because that's what we were taught to do. The idea here is to recognize, be aware of what is going on within you and look at and get close to what you don't like. The enemies within you can't be your friends unless you reach out to them a little and invite them to come close to you - when you do that you can help the habits to change.

Ride Out the Storm

2010-08-24T19:12:00.000-07:00

The metaphor that was read this evening is quite beautiful - when we are angry we are in the middle of the storm and when we are angy we stay in the middle of the storm because we don't know what else to do. What happens to trees in a storm? The top of the tree shakes and quivers and sometimes the branches break off. When we stay in our intellects, when we stay in our heads, like the top of a tree, we can get hooked by the strong emotions we face in the storm and sometimes who knows what can happen. When a storm comes, we need to learn to ride out the storm. All storms pass, just like all intense emotions pass. Thich Nhat Hanh says, "You have to be aware that your emotion is just an emotion. It comes, stays some time, and then goes away."

During a crisis ride out the storm with this awareness. Breathe, maintain the awareness that your emotions will pass, and then you will be able to transform them into something else. Try this once and then again. The more you try this, the better you will get at it and then you will build your confidence. Just remember all storms pass - there's no need to be afraid. Just stay still in the storm.

Mind Your Body

2010-08-17T19:19:00.000-07:00

It is important to scan your body with a beam of mindfulness. Basically, check in with yourself everyday and make sure that you are not holding tension in your body. Take time at the start of your day, the middle of your day, the end of your day, or during a break in your day to check in with yourself. Where is there tension? Use the mantra, "Breathing in I calm my body...breathing out I calm my body."

Hanh suggests that we do this while lying down. This is a wonderful relaxation exercise and it is easy to do. This is not meditation. This is different. This is checking in with yourself - scanning your body - with a relaxation exercise. In meditation the focus is solely on the mind. You are aware of your body, but your attention is one hundred percent on your mind. In this exercise you allow your focus to shift to all parts of your body, not just your mind, and you are using your breath to calm your body.

Calming the tension in your body with a deep relaxation exercise is no different than calming tension in your mind with meditation. There is an art to breathing in and breathing out. As Hanh said, "You have to be very artful handling your in-breath and out-breath, so that harmony can be reestablished in your body and your mind."

The Five Remembrances

2010-08-10T18:36:00.000-07:00

Hanh talks about the importance of bringing our fears to the surface, or in other words, bringing our fears out from our subconscious to our conscious mind. By doing this, we will have less fear, and, as Mary Ellen said this evening, we may even realize that what we were so afraid of isn't so frightening after all. It is important to look deeply at what arises in us, so we are prepared to face those things when they come. Here are the Five Remembrances. By looking at these deeply you are facing your fears and you are accepting what, for some of you, is very difficult to face: 1. I am of the nature to grow old. I cannot escape old age. 2. I am of the nature to have ill health. I cannot escape ill health. 3. I am of the nature to die. I cannot escape dying. 4. All that is dear to me and everyone I love are of the nature to change. There is no way to escape being separated from them. I cannot keep anything. I come here empty-handed, and I go empty-handed. 5. My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground on which I stand.

Continue to generate the energy of mindfulness in your life every day, face what comes up for you, and you will feel more peaceful and able to handle whatever arises - no matter how difficult.

The Mind Needs Good Circulation Too

2010-08-03T19:07:00.000-07:00

In the same way that the body has knots in it, the mind does too. When our body is tight or sore, we massage it, we rub a healing oil on the area that's tight, we tend to it, and we do all we can to make it better. When our mind is knotted up with fear, frustration, worry, sadness, depression, or anxiety, we need to learn to "massage" our minds to clear the knots away. "The energy of mindfulness, the practice of meditation, is like the practice of massaging an internal formation." Despair and suffering is a block of pain in us - a toxin that we can learn to recognize, embrace, and then transform into something else. If you take care of the knots in your mind, you will take care of the knots in your body and vice versa. The two are intertwined.

Recognizing is the First Step

2010-07-27T19:45:00.000-07:00

If you recognize when you are angry, the moment that you begin to feel anger arising in you, this is the first step. Recognizing, simply recognizing what you are feeling allows you to do something different, such as embrace your anger. Before you might have just shun your anger, ignored it completely, but what happens when we do that? It might fall asleep for a while, but the next time that same peson who keeps upsetting you, upsets you again, you blow up and scream. You never dealt with the anger in you before so it's always there. But when you recognize how you feel - angry - then you see it, know it's there, and you can transform it. "Anger, I know you're there and I know I need to take care of you right now. I'm going to stop what I'm doing and I'm going to nurture you for a while, until you calm down." And while you're nurturing your anger the way you would your baby, you have a dialogue with your anger. "Why are you here? Why are you so upset? What can I do to calm you down? What is really bothering you?" These questions, while you embrace your anger, will give you insight. Practice this with small things that upset you and then see how far you get. When you're really angry practicing this may be much more difficult, so we start with the small things and work our way up.

Treating Anger with Tenderness

2010-07-20T19:54:00.000-07:00

If treating your anger with tenderness isn't second nature for you, then of course, when you are angry, you will vent your anger. Venting anger by taking it out on another person or hitting a tree or punching your pillow is simply rehearsing your anger. This is dangerous and can easily become a pattern. In this section Hanh reminds us to treat our anger like a child, a baby, that we nurture. Would you hit your child if he or she has a temper?
Sometimes we "beat" ourselves up when we are angry or frustrated. Sometimes other people do this to us - instead of helping us to nurture our anger, they get angry at us for being angry. "If you do not know how to treat yourself with compassion then you will not know how to treat others with compassion." The next time you feel angry, nurture your anger. "Breathing in, I know that anger is in me. Breathing out, I am taking good care of my anger." Act like a mother with your anger. "Breathing in, I know that my child is crying. Breathing out, I will take good care of my child." This is the practice of compassion.

The Story of David and Angelina

2010-07-13T19:45:00.000-07:00

This evening we continued to talk about the story of David and Angelina. Hanh provides a meditation practice for us in reflecting and looking back in our lives to see who the Angelinas have been in our lives. The Angelinas in our lives are those who have taken good care of us, been there for us, listened with compassion, been understanding, helped us when we were in need. These people are like angels in our lives, but sometimes we forget that. We once had so much love and appreciation for these people, but somehow, over time, that has faded away. Only until they leave us do we realize what we had. But for some of us, we don't even realize that the reason the Angelinas in our life are no longer with us is not because of something they did, but something we did.

Last week we spoke about our habit energy. That habit energy, which is different for each and every one of us, gets in the way of us being who we want to be. What is your habit energy that you'd like to shift? Thinking in this way is bringing meditation into your everyday life actions. And the more mindful you are, that is, the more aware that you are of what you are doing, the easier it will be for you to stop the moment your habit energy is about to unfold and unravel all over the place. Be present and aware that you really don't want to repeat the same habit energy - you want to change!
Consider these reflections this week: Where are the Angelinas in my life? Did I take care of them? Did they go away? And why did they go away? What did I do? And, how can I bring them back home.

Habit Energy

2010-07-06T18:58:00.000-07:00

This evening I read a story that Hanh wrote called David and Angelina. The story of David, an individual who blamed everyone for his misery and didn't have good relationships with those in his life, may be a story that each of us relates to.

David was unable to change what Hanh calls his "habit energy." He didn't know how to hold those dear to him with love and compassion. His habit energy of blaming others for his misery was too strong and therefore he was always alone. He had to change, and when he lost someone that he loved, it was then that he had the insight that he had in fact been blaming everyone for his misery. He cried and realized that he was responsible for the feelings of worthlessness he experienced. This was when a transformation occured in him.
Each of us will hopefully have insights that lead to transformations many times in our lives. This is how we grow. Like David, each of us can be transformed by the love and understanding of another person. Like David, each of us can be transformed if we are being honest.
Here are some questions to ask yourself about today's reading: What is your habit energy? What is it that you would like to see change? Is there something that you keep doing over and over and over again and you would like to stop that? Are you aware of the habit energy that stands in the way between you and love and compassion? Between you and peace?

Stopping Conflict Before It Happens

2010-06-29T18:27:00.000-07:00

When we are being mindful we can prevent conflict from starting, and even escalating. This is when we are being skillful at best. As meditators we want to learn how to practice looking deeply in a situation and see the "war" before it breaks out. Your own insight about a situation can help you take right action. And you will know what to do, maybe not right away, but eventually. You will take time to address someone about something before conflict arises.
If you sense the person you love is upset, you may make them a meal, bring them roses, do something kind for them so that you ease their anger or frustration or their bad day. If you notice that your colleague at work is angry and taking things out on you, then avoid them, or don't engage in conversation with them, or maybe just listen, or involve yourself with your work and tell that person you will have time to talk or listen tomorrow.
This is being a peaceful warrior in the world. It doesn't mean that you can put out every fire before it happens, but it means that peace is your priority. Peace and compassion is a protective shield for you. Having the last word, blaming the person who upset you, digging into them with a snide remark, being hooked and engaging in conversation with them when they are in "blaming mode" - this escalates the problem -this turns into conflict. Don't drop bombs, just see how you can prevent them in the first place. Be the peaceful warrior who is skillful, mindful, and compassionate towards himself and others. When you are at peace, so is the other person and vice versa.

Looking Deeply

2010-06-22T19:08:00.000-07:00

Hanh goes out on a limb and speaks about building compassion by looking deeply at others, even our worst enemy, and seeing that if we are being compassionate, we are not really able to be on the outside of a situation and take sides.
However, this is what we do. Like the judge, we say this person is right and that person is wrong. Hanh refers to the police. He says that many people dislike the police. But he says that this is because people don't fully understand them. This is no different than you not understanding the neighbor you hate, the person at work you can't stand, and so on. The anger, the fear, and the frustration that is in one person is also in us.
If you take the time to look deeply at the person you hate, compassion is born in you. "We have seen a lot of movies, detective stories, and Westerns, but we have not seen the truth that is in the hearts and minds of real people," says Hanh.
Take time and look deeply at the situation another person may be in.
Take time and look deeply at how another person is suffering. Take time to ask yourself if you have ever considered all that someone else is going through. Do this before you label and before you stand on the outside to judge, and then, as Hanh says, this is intelligent, this is wisdom, this is compassion.

Compassion is Intelligent

2010-06-15T18:25:00.000-07:00

Since understanding the other person is understanding yourself, then the moment you feel anger arising in you, perhaps because of what someone may have said to you, then you will know that it is not intelligent to react with anger. We forget that when someone hurts us, they suffer, they hurt. So instead of going to the place of reacting or taking something personally, right away go to a place of wisdom and understanding - the other suffers, the other is angry. If you punish and blame someone who is angry, then you will have their anger inside of you, just as they do. This is not intelligent action.
If you are compassionate then you will know how to be mindful and take care of the anger arising in you in that moment. You will immediately have the wisdom to see that ther other person suffers and you will want to transform your anger into compassion. This does not mean allowing another person to harm or hurt you because you are compassionate. It simply means that you will be protected with the shield of compassion and understanding. To do this takes great strength, and the more you do this, the more you build compassion and understanding inside of you.
So, the next time that you are tempted to react because someone knew what to say or what to do to hook you into their violence or anger, be as still as you when meditating and let the storm around you pass.

The Illusion Called Self

2010-06-09T06:50:00.000-07:00

This evening we spoke about the most obvious example of the illusion of self - the gulf oil crisis. Here you see many individuals who acted selfishly. These actions affect so many people. When a person acts selfishly, greedily, angrily (consiously or not), they are inflicint suffering on others.
Take this obvious example and narrow that down to the everyday examples in your life. If you hurt someone, you hurt yourself. When you punish and blame someone, you do the same to yourself. If you do not act mindfully and end up in conflict with someone, you feel an unsettled feeling in yourself. When you resolve the conflict, you feel at peace.
The insight of non-self, that we are connected to others, even the earth, the air we breathe, the water we drink - when we have this insight, you will want to restore peace and harmony between you and another person. "With understanding, you can restore peace and harmony in yourself and in your relationships with others. You will know how to act and how to react with intelligence so you are no longer in a war zone, a zone of conflict."
We will discuss this further next week. Meditation helps you have understanding which leads to compassion which leads to intelligent communication and wisdom. Please remember, meditaiton is not a scholastic subject, it is an experiential activity.
We can talk and talk about it, but it is by doing it that you will understand what Hanh and other teachers are saying. Please meditate everyday and then you will begin to see the correlation between the practice of meditation and everyday life. Just as a musician practices his scales for a concert, a meditator practices meditation for everyday life.

Dangers of Venting

2010-06-01T18:36:00.000-07:00

This is a very interesting chapter. According to Hanh and conversations that he has with many therapists, many people think that venting their anger, by hitting a pillow or punching a wall, will free them of their anger. This only tires a person out so that they believe they are really free of their anger. The root of anger is still there however, and it's made worse because by punching a pillow or doing any such kind of venting because in truth, you are rehearsing your anger.
When a room is on a fire, Hanh says to ventilate it - let air move through the room to remove the fire. This is our anger. We must ventilate it, not escalate it. And we must learn not to vent in general. Venting is very dangerous if you get all worked up by talking it out with a friend and re-hashing an entire experience. If you want to speak with a friend about your anger, do so, but not to recreate the experience all over again and get yourself angry.
"Venting your anger is a practice based on ignorance. When you imagine the object of your hate as a pillow, hitting the object of your hate, you rehearse your ignorance and anger. Instead of lessening your violence and anger, you become more violent and angry."

Your Heart Sutra

2010-05-25T18:25:00.000-07:00

Tonight we read the start of a chapter six called, "Your Heart Sutra." The moment you feel grateful for what you have, is the moment to be alone and write down your very own heart sutra. This is a prayer or a promise, or promises, that you write down on a piece of paper and read quietly to yourself. Hanh's heart sutra is "I promise myself that I will enjoy every minute of the day that is given to me."

Your own heart sutra comes from your heart and therefore, when you make promises to yourself at the start of your day and at the end of your day, you will be aware of them all day long. If you make a promise to yourself to speak mindfully to everyone each and every day, then you will notice when you interrupted someone during a conversation. You will notice if you lied to someone. You will notice if you are driving and texting and talking to someone in the car.

The whole idea of meditation is to become more aware of how you get in your own way. How your thoughts lead to more thoughts and to more, and to more - so much conceptualizing that it takes us away from the present moment. What a way to spend your time!

Write your own heart sutra - make promises to yourself to be mindful each and every day. Become the observer of your mind - notice when you get trapped by it...

Love Letters

2010-05-18T18:38:00.001-07:00

The story that was read this evening, about a husband and wife who lose the love they used to have when they first met and then regained it after revisiting the love letters they once wrote one another, is a story about watering the positive seeds within us.
This couple learned that they had been unskillful keeping their love alive. They learned that they had been causing hell for one another. This happens, at times, in most intimate relationships because we get caught up in the I need you to do this, or I need you to do that. We get so caught up in daily stuff, that we forget to let the other person know how much we love them and appreciate them.
This evening some of you spoke about revisiting memories, not just love letters. This is beautiful to do, but I think that love letters, taking the time to write something thoughtful and kind to those you care about, really reaches another person. And Hanh isn't just speaking about emails (although emails can be quite lovely too), he's talking about a good old fashion hand-written letter.
By writing to someone in this way, you are acknowledging your gratitude and your love. This becomes reawakened in you and by doing this you are becoming more compassionate and committed to watering positive seeds in the other person and the relationship. And as a result of all that, you feel, what Hanh writes, a "light" kind of energy as if a weight is lifted.

You and Your Child Are One

2010-05-11T18:35:00.000-07:00

Hanh so beautifully talks about how "your son is yourself and your daughter is yourself." He talks about how parents know this when their children are very young, but as they get older, they separate and sometimes are like strangers to one another.
The message that Hanh hopes to instill in everyone, whether they are parents or not, is that we are connected to our parents and our children the way that we are connected to our heart, our stomach, and our intestines. If our stomach hurts, we tend to it. If our heart hurts, we tend to it. Hanh encourages the same approach with our children and our parents. "Your happiness and suffering is your child's happiness and suffering and vice versa."
What we did not talk about this evening was something that Hanh very lightly spoke about, and that is how we are interdependent. We are not separate. When we understand this, then we begin to see past our own suffering and experiences in the world. We begin to see how we are all connected, not just connected to our family and blood relations. When you have conflict with someone in your office, you feel bad. When you have conflict with your neighbor, you feel this and it bothers you. The earthquake in Haiti...we felt that. We all felt sorrow. We still feel the pain that they are going through because we are all connected.
Having this awareness may increase your compassion for all living beings. Thank you for attending this evenings class and enjoying the pure essential oils!

Being Equipped with Compassion

2010-05-04T18:55:00.000-07:00

Thank you all for sharing what you did this evening! It is wonderful for all of us and we all learn so much from each other by sharing our experiences.
This evening we spoke about what Hanh said in terms of being equipped for the person who is angry or suffering. Just as a fireman is equipped to put out a fire with the right equipment, we have to be equipped when we are listening to the suffering of another person. If not, we may become a victim of the fire in the other.
So, our best equipment is compassion. It is so easy, for each of us, to see that when we are faced with someone who is full of bitterness and judgment, we may be touched by their suffering, and then, as a result, we may suffer.
However, using compassion can help in these situations. Your compassion is like the fireman's uniform. This then becomes your protection so that no matter what the person may say, you will not be thrown off balance.
The other part of our discussion this evening was about knowing our limits. If you practice listening with compassion regularly with others, then you must know your limits and nourish yourself however you nourish yourself. Enjoy a walk, notice beautiful things outside - the ducks, the trees, the flowers. It is important to maintain balance, because when you do then you are truly available to others. When you do not maintain balance you are like a boat half filled with water.

The Sun is Always There

2010-04-27T19:46:00.000-07:00

The metaphor that Hanh speaks of, the sun always being there even when it is raining, is beautiful and valuable when we do not have hope, when we are discouraged by our own behavior, or that of someone close to us. It's so easy to feel that someone we care about is just a "bad" person because they were rude. Each of us has what Hanh and other meditation teachers call, "Buddha nature," or whatever is familiar to you from your spiritual tradition. This is always there. It doesn't go away. We are born with this. It's just that as we grow up, and when we are overwhelmed by the ups and downs of life, we lose track of this powerful presence within us and in others.
This evening everyone practiced compassionate listening as we shared openly and we all listened with compassion, without judging, without thinking what we might say while the other person was speaking. When we do this, this gives relief to the other person and they feel heard. Even if you disagree with what someone thinks or says, compassionate listening can do so much for them when they are suffering in some way. You can always make time to talk to someone about a wrong perception that you believe they may have, but when someone suffers, allow them to speak and just listen. Try this a few times and see what happens to you and that person.

Patience with Your Practice

2010-04-20T18:16:00.000-07:00

It takes practice to learn how to "cook" our anger over the fire of mindfulness. Remember the metaphor that Hanh talks about, cooking potatoes. Just like we have to cook potatoes until they are ready to be eaten, we have to do the same with our anger. When we are angry, Hanh suggests keeping our concentration on our anger for some time and practicing walking or sitting meditation. After some time of embracing and looking deeply at your anger in this way, you will have an insight and your anger will diminish.
I really appreciate what people shared in regards to what Hanh says about gaining a victory for ourselves is gaining a victory for another person as well. When you act mindfully, the added bonus is that others receive the benefits from your positive actions. It is unfortunate if someone you love does not support your efforts to meditate and grow and develop a new perspective so that you can live peacefully. Meditation is not for everyone. We can only do what feels true to ourselves. Others can only do what feels true to them.
And, if the journey of meditation does not feel right for you, then you are always free to stop. If you are open to the positive changes that meditation will bring to you, then stay on the path and see where it takes you, if you'd like.
Meditation is difficult. It takes times and energy and a lot of gumption! Please remember that you will experience immediate results from meditation, but the profound benefits come later, not right away. But they will come and you will feel liberated if you keep practicing, at least 10 to 15 minutes every day.
Please feel free to make comments. There were so many wonderful subjects brought up in the meditation class this evening, but not much time to dive deeply into them. I was particularly touched by the start of the discussion regarding relationships and meditation practice.

With Compassion You Don't Make Mistakes

2010-04-13T18:24:00.000-07:00

What really stands out for me about what was read this evening is, "You can make a mistake only when you forget that the other person suffers. You tend to believe that you are the only one who suffers, and that the other person is enjoying your suffering. You will say and do mean and cruel things when you believe that you are the only one who suffers and that the other person does not suffer at all."
This is such an important reminder because I think often times when we are consumed with our own suffering, we forget that other people suffer too. Suffering can be feeling angry, hurt, sad, depressed, lonely, confused, and so on. When we realize that others also suffer, even the person we are upset with, then we discover that we have compassion within us.
If we can keep compassion alive in us at all times, then we can never veer off in the wrong direction. Compassion heals our anger towards another person. Even if the other person has a wrong perception about a situation, compassion will help you to simply listen to them, compassionately. That means without judgment, without criticism, without labeling. When you listen compassionately to another person, then you are helping them to heal.

Are You Sure?

2010-04-06T18:07:00.000-07:00

Once we step away from the person or a situation that has angered us, we practice meditation during that time either by walking or sitting. It's very important to understand that if you want to address your anger you can do so in the typical way which might be something along the lines of, "Oh, I'll just get over it or deal with it," or you can do so in a new way. Hanh suggests that we look closely at our anger in order to gain some kind of insight or check to see if we've had a wrong perception.
We all carry around with us wrong perceptions. "That person is upset with me," "That person doesn't like me," or "That person is the father of my child," as was the example from the story we read by Hanh this evening. How long did a man believe that his wife had cheated on him with his neighbor and was the father of his child? For twelve years he carried around with him this wrong perception. Twelve years of anger! That's a very long time to have a wrong perception and that's a very long time to be angry.
Hanh suggests that when we retreat to be with our self when we are angry that we ask ourselves, "What have I done?" "What have I said to make another person suffer so much?" And, "Am I sure?" What is the answer that you receive when you ask yourself "Am I sure that so and so really feels that way about me?" "Am I sure that the reason my boss didn't communicate with me is because he or she is going to fire me?" "Am I sure that the reason I didn't get a phone call from the person I'm dating is because they are out with someone else?"
Ask "Am I sure?" The insight that you have may free you of your anger and your wrong perception.

Selective Watering

2010-03-30T18:16:00.000-07:00

Hanh so beautiful teaches us about "selective watering." This process is quite easy to do. First one must identify the positive seeds in another person and water them, as if you were watering a plant. What happens when you water a plant with clean water? It grows. What happens when you water a plant with contaminated water? It dies. The same goes with people. If you water them with negativity - or water their seeds of anger, you will watch their anger grow and you will suffer. You protect yourself and them if you water their seeds of love and compassion. You will not suffer this way.
Identify those in your life who seem to have watered their own seeds of anger or allowed others to water seeds of anger in them. This may be all they know. If these people are close to you then make either a silent contract or a verbal contract with them that you won't water their negative seeds whether it be their anger, their despair, their jealousy. Encourage each other to recognize and water the positive seeds every day.
This is not about changing another person. This is about taking care of yourself and them. When you water plants you love, they bloom, the same goes for those you love. It may not happen quickly for some people, but by doing this, you feel good about yourself, and you inspire confidence in others. They will see that you are doing your very best, and they may be inspired to do this in turn to you.

Transformation and Inter-Being

2010-03-24T09:06:00.000-07:00

This evening we spoke about the concept of Inter-Being, the foundation of the Buddhist practice. Applied to the arising emotion of anger, it can be explained like this: We typically view our anger as something outside of us, or as separate from our positive qualities such as mindfulness and peace and serenity. So when anger arises in us, we do any number of things such as push it away, think that we will just overcome it, pretend like it's not there, and so on. But when we see that anger, just like sadness, frustration, jealousy, is a part of us, in other words, another energy that exists within us that needs for us to see it and care for it, then we begin to understand how everything in us is interconnected.
The discussion this evening was how we can TRANSFORM a negative energy such as anger, into a positive energy such as mindfulness. This takes much practice, but it can be done and you will have more confidence the next time that you feel anger or frustration arising in you and you take care of this energy. When you take the time to deal with the negative energy (with walking or breathing meditation) then you may have an insight that leads to a better understanding of a wrong perception that you have about where your anger is coming from. This insight will transform you.
The insights that you may have will be anything from "that person is not angry with me, but with themselves," or "I took something personally here, " or "that person is having a very hard time dealing with a personal crisis and maybe I could be more understanding now that I realize they are dealing with some heavy stuff right now." Whatever insight you will have, it will ultimately nourish the seed of compassion in you, a positive energy.
By taking care of all of our energies that are a part of us, then negative energies can not dominate over the positive ones. But if you choose to act like anger is not there when it is, then you aren't really taking care of that energy and before you know it and to your surprise, you may lash out at someone for no reason whatsoever. So the idea here is to take care of the negative energies when they arise in you.
Now in some situations you may not be able to do this immediately. Say, if you are in a meeting and someone has angered you, you may not be able to say, "excuse me, I have to practice mindful breathing right now." In those situations, you may decide that you will set aside some time later to look closely at your anger.
It's important to note that even though the book by Hanh is called Anger, one can still apply any negative energies that arise within, to the guidance provided in this book.

2010-03-17T07:36:00.000-07:00

What do you do when you retreat to yourself when you are angry? How do you process what has occurred between you and another person?
Hanh encourages us to practice looking deeply at a situation in order to understand the true nature of our anger, frustration, sadness, whatever it is that we are experiencing. He suggests that we do this in order to realize that we may be victims of a wrong perception, that is, our own wrong perception.
Everyone shared this evening which was so wonderful and helpful for all of us! So thank you everyone for sharing what it is that you do when you retreat to yourself when you are angry. It's very valuable to hear what others go through and do and experience. We can all learn from each other this way.
Our habits, the habits that haven't been working for us, are hard to change, but by talking about the things we do, we take the first step, which is awareness, and then awareness will lead to insight and then insight will lead to change.
Find your bell of mindfulness that will keep you grounded - whether it be a pebble in your pocket, a photograph of your child, a scent, a statue that is meaningful to you, so that when you lose yourself for a moment or several moments, you are reminded to come back to the mindful energy you are cultivating by practicing meditation.

2010-03-09T19:22:00.000-08:00

When we are in conflict with someone there are things that you can say to someone once you have cooled your anger. Tonight we spoke about the things we can say such as "I am angry. I suffer. I am doing my best. I need your help." These are Hanh's suggestions and they are his words. You can use these words and make them your own.
It may be difficult to speak to the person you are angry with, even when you are calm. But Hanh simply suggests that you try to be open and vulnerable and allow the person you had conflict with see that you are speaking to them without trying to punish or blame.
What we didn't get around to talking about this evening, is that this technique will relieve and reassure the other person. It will inspire them to also do their best. And it will give you the confidence that you need to continue to practice in this way.
Practicing meditation is important. This is one way to develop compassion, to learn to stay in the present moment, and to watch your thinking. If you believe in the words of Hanh or Chodron, or any other author and monk who writes about the dharma, then, as Hanh says, "you must do this."
You can not see results by just talking about this. Please commit to practicing meditation every day. Meditation is the study of the self. You will grow. You will change. You will be inspired when you see such positive and peaceful resolutions ocurring in your life.

Negotiating for Peace

2010-03-02T19:29:00.000-08:00

We naively continue to believe that if we can say something or do something to punish another person, then we will suffer less. This only makes a situation worse and punishing another person is a form of self-punishment. Punishing another person is not an intelligent strategy as Hanh so eloquently writes.
Once again we are reminded to deal with our anger the way we would if we had a stomach ache. Consider anger to be an organ in your body. When it arises in you, deal with it by caring for it. It won't just go away by itself. The same that a stomach ache won't just go away by itself.
It's very important to remember that we do not need to hide our anger. It is important to let someone else know that you are angry, but in a very calm way. Next week we will discuss different verbal strategies that Hanh writes about that we can use in situations when we are "negotiating" for peace with someone who has angered us and whom we have angered.
I very much appreciate everyone sharing this evening. For those of you who were not with us, people in the group shared about what they do when they are angry. Someone said that they shut people out, someone said they go all over the place in conversation and lose focus, someone said that they get tall, loud, and proud like a rooster, someone shared how they continue to go after the other person verbally and engage in the escalating argument.
It's very important to know what you do in order to reverse the behavior that makes you suffer more. Try to keep a mental log or a journal throughout the week to see what it is you are doing when you get angry. Give yourself reminders that you will be different when faced with a situation or conversation where anger in you arises. Good luck with this challenging work and have faith that you can and will overcome the things that cause you angst, pain, and suffering.

Peace Begins with You

2010-02-24T07:16:00.000-08:00

Since many of us are interested in being allies in making each other suffer less by taking care of our anger, frustration, and sorrow, it's important to make a commitment to negotiate strategies for peace. Hanh talks about giving one hundred percent of ourselves to this by not necessarily waiting for another person to change or improve, but doing so ourselves.
The point here is to move away from the "If you don't make an effort to reconcile, then I won't either," type of attitude.
Next week will discuss different ways to approach another person when you are seeking to create harmony. One approach to remember this week is from the story of the young monk and his father and how the young monk finally said to his father after years of not communicating, "My greatest concern is how to establish a good relationship between us. That would make me happy. It is the most important thing to me."
Begin with yourself and then you will be able to restore communication in some new way - the person you are having difficulty with "will change naturally."

Healing the Wounded Child Within

2010-02-16T20:08:00.000-08:00

I believe that in this section of chapter two, Hanh is saying that in order to become a free person one must do the following: tend and care for the self (through meditation) and look within every day, and look for the moment and moments you begin to live in the present. That will mean that you are free from your past, free from your future, and free to live in the present moment.
Also read from the chapter was the energy of mindfulness. Basically, the more mindful energy we have in our lives, the more peaceful we will be. The energy of mindfulness is what is cultivated by practicing meditation.
To generate this energy, practice meditation not only when you are meditating on a cushion, practice it at various times in your day when you are surrounded by the stuff of life.

Nurturing Our Anger

2010-02-09T19:54:00.000-08:00

This week we spoke about how to discover the true nature of your anger. According to Hanh, first one must realize that it's ones own seed of anger that is the cause of being angry. The second cause is a situation, someone hurting your feelings, a negative conversation, the death of a loved one...
The moment we feel anger boiling in us, we must, like a baby, nurture it. And this is a real time-out for five, ten, or fifteen minutes to practice mindful breathing by sitting or walking. This isn't the time to talk on the phone, write an email, and carry on a conversation with someone while sometimes thinking about how angry you are and how calm you're trying to make yourself feel. Anger needs our attention. It's negative and can even be destructive, so anger needs us to stop what we are doing and focus on calming it with our breath.
Once we stay with ourselves, then we can breath mindfully, concentrate on the negative event that just happened, and then some INSIGHT will occur. This insight provides a new perspective about the situation you are concentrating on resulting in some kind of transformation - turning anger into compassion, anger into love, understanding a situation better than understood before.

Putting Out the Fire of Anger

2010-02-02T19:10:00.000-08:00

We all need tools for cooling the flames of anger. In this chapter we begin to see more clearly what we do when we are angry. I doubt anyone can deny that at some point when they've been angry they've tried to find relief from their own anger by making someone, usually the person who made them angry, suffer more.
This may feel good in the moment. And in fact, we may think, "this is really the only way I know how to handle this." And yes, it is the only way you know how to handle rising anger. We all have to learn and practice new ways to handle our anger.
What Hanh is getting at here is that we must treat our anger the same way that we would treat a stomach flu or a cold - we tend to it, we nurture it...we don't do something that will make it worse like down a juicy hamburger so that our stomach ache really keels us over. That's what it's like when we get involved with our anger when we feel it's getting out of control - we make it worse.
There are two phases to think about when nurturing your anger that rises, for whatever reason: first recognize that you are angry, and second, look deeply into your anger to see how it has come about.
Practice this week stepping away from someone who angers you, pausing, and being with yourself. If you are angry at life in general, not necessarily someone, then still go within and look at what you are feeling - begin to see how your anger transforms when you remain with yourself for a while. Next week we will discuss how to discover the true nature of your own anger.